St. patty day ramble

Today was another good day, I worked a full day. I had energy and it was warm.
I celebrated St. Patricks Day with Florie, Jennifer and Hyo which was fun.


Today I also saw my lawyer - I drew up a will in 2006 thanks to my mother's advice - so now I just had to specify things a little more clearly and that will be done, which will make me feel better.

I told my Little Sister's (from Big Brother Big Sister) grandmother today about puffler's especially since Ashante is in my will.


Ayori, my friend and colleague, started a donation for me. So now I have money from my colleagues which I am so very appreciative that they would think of me but... it's also very weird for me. I just gave money to charity not 2 months ago and now people are giving money to me. And it's not to say that I don't... I don't know how I feel about that I've been thinking about it since and there is no emotion, I just feel weird.... maybe I feel like a sham, do I need the money? Maybe eventually - certainly if I'm not able to work I will...

Last night I started thinking about the port and where it's going to be and how I'm going to look like the freakin' borg and what about when I want to wear a tank top and is it going to scar me and what if it hurts just like my arm and omigod I have to get chemo again and omigod JG said that he was getting a bone marrow transplant is that going to happen to me? I don't know if I can do that, there has got to be a stopping point and STOP! That all happened in the span of 20 seconds, until I could tell myself to STOP.

Now I don't have a port
Now you feel fine
Now you aren't going through chemo
Now you don't look like borg
You may not even make it to the point, you may suffocate in your sleep before you even get there RELIEF...

I'm not suicidal - I don't have suicidal thoughts, but all my friends and family want me to live and right now my biggest relief is that I might die before this gets any worse.... so i guess that's why I feel like a sham when my colleagues have so graciously thought of me and given me money - I can ONLY think of now. And I don't want to think about needing it later.

I don't want to join a puffler support group
I don't want to know that Henry survived it
I don't want to know that it's tough
I don't want to know that it's easy
I don't want to be a survivor, I want to be a 'never have had it'.


When I told my Mrs. Henderson about the puffler's I said 'so I don't know what will happen but Ashante is in my will.' You know, just because you say everything will be OK doesn't make it so. Just because you believe it with every once of your being doesn't make it happen. I believe in the power of the mind to heal. But I also believe that even with that power, people die. My mom wants me to believe with every once of my being, every thought, that everything will be OK. I don't believe that. I don't disbelieve it either. I just don't know. To me I have a 50/50 chance of survival, which is the same chance I had for dying on any day before this though I didn't think about it then.