Saturday, November 27, 2010

Why am I writing this?

I have been reading so many books lately that directly or indirectly have me thinking of happiness and of freedom. I want to discuss it with people but I have very few around me to talk to about the ideas. It first began with emptiness.

I am reading the Joyful Path of Good Fortune in my FP class and we were going over how we don't exist as we think we do, how nothing exists as we think we do. Over and over again I've been meditating on that trying to find a generic image of myself, trying to find the real me. All I've found is everything that I thought I was but am not -

I am not black (to be honest this one should be the most obvious to people my skin color is closer to chestnut than black, but either way I'm not that)

I am not a traveler (that one almost pains me as I still believe that I'm a traveler)

I am not an Analyst
I am not shy
I am not a person who owns anything
I am not a dog lover...

How did I come to this conclusion? Well the analysis goes like this. This is my body, this is my mind. If I use the possessive for body and mind then 'my' or me should be neither of those or both of those. But how can it be both? Say it's just the body, so when the body dies all of me is dead? I don't believe that, though you may. Hmmm, if you believe that then you probably don't believe in a religion - no high power, no reincarnation...

How would you act if you felt that this was it. People say that you only live once but I don't think people act like they believe that. I know I don't. If I thought that this was the very end that I only live once with no karma, no attachment to something later what would I do differently?

Hmmm I think I would be very protective of my life. I think I'd want my 'name in lights' (famous)well not just lights but written, I'd want my name in stone so that I wouldn't be forgotten... is that true would I want that? What difference does it make if you're name is in stone when you're dead? scratch that. I would still be very protective of my life but I'd want to do want my heart desired at that moment to do. So I can't sit here and plan what I'd do differently - I just know that if I believed that this was truly the only life with nothing after I would behave differently, maybe even horribly I mean there would be no consequences so why not?

But I don't believe that, I believe in karma and so I have created limits on what I can do in this life. Is that freedom? You tell me. I am free to hurt and help, kill and save but if I do one I will get a better rebirth and the other may send me to the animal realm or worse. That doesn't sound like freedom does it? But I guess there is freedom and there are consequences and there isn't one without the other or is there?

That was a tangent. The freedom that I first felt from the emptiness teachings was this, if I lost my body and there is still a 'me' then that me is not anything that I defined myself to be now because how
am I brown without a brown body
am I a traveler when I need my body to do it
am I Analyst without a brain
am I shy without others to interact with
am I a person who owns anything when I can't be seen
am I dog lover when I can't touch, smell, see or hear dogs.

So if all the attributes I give myself aren't accurate then I can assign myself different attributes - basically I can be anyone I want to be. This thought often brings me back to high school. My best friend at that time got mad at me because she said I was being fake to other people in school, she said (at least this is what she said in my memory of what happened 17 years ago) 'They don't know the real you they think you're on the honor roll and all perfect, they don't know you like I do.' At the time I was so angry, how can she blame me for what people think of me, people who were not my friends. She couldn't blame me but now I can see that everyone's definition of you is just as accurate or inaccurate as your own - the family member who thinks you're awfully selfish? accurate and completely wrong. The pet that thinks you can do no wrong ? completely wrong yet accurate.

So that's my first freedom, one that I haven't truly accessed because I only believe it on a mental level, not down to my heart/soul/ actions.


Freedom 1

I am everything and none of those things at the same time.