Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Chemo 3/ day 1

Chemo day was like the ones prior - fun. This time Bob went with me and we talked and watched 'Serenity' good movie if you like scifi... with a western twist. I did feel a little dizzy from one of the protector medicines for a while and I was extremely tired this time and fell asleep at 8:30.

Today I was able to drink more than usual but still not hungry. It still strikes me as weird that I don't want to eat the very next day. I went to the acupuncturist, who said he'd try to help with my appetite - I didn't expect it to work immediately... I think part of it is caused by fatigue - it takes energy to eat just like it does talking on the phone, and I don't have that much right now. But dodgeball is tomorrow so hopefully I'll have enough for the game.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Jumping up and down

So this weekend I was jumping up and down and cartwheels happy.

I went to a dog adoption fair and the animal shelter to see if I could find a good fit. It's hard to do a search via pet finder because really I just want a carbon copy of Jethro's personality, my favorite dog at the Oakland shelter. He wasn't a beautiful dog to me, I certainly wouldn't have picked him out in a line up but what a great personality! So I didn't find a match this time but that's OK because I want to wait until the maintenance starts anyway.

After that I played biked to Adam's Morgan to play dodgeball for 2 hours and then it was so beautiful just biked around for an hour or so. I didn't start coughing until an hour after that. So I think my test now is to exercise for a long amount of time and then see. Also now I can see that my lung capacity isn't what I should be. If only I had known... I remember last year in the summer I was feeling that my endurance was horrible and thought it was strange because I had been hard core working out 3 times a week at Crossfit. I thought it was just my sprinter lungs holding me back.

Gosh, I just don't want this to happen to anyone else when it's so preventable. I keep thinking back to when I had chest pains in California and went to the doctor - could that have been when it was starting? If they had given my a catscan 4 years ago, could this have all been prevented? Oprah had this woman on her show that is the author of "Crazy, Sexy Cancer". Oprah asked her do you ever ask why me? and she answered "why not me?". that's not how i feel, i feel like yes, dammit, why me? I have not picked up a cigarette, dubbie (i don't even know how to spell it), or any smoked substance in my life. maybe if i had this somewhere else in my body but yes, why me? but since it's happened and I can't change it. I can help change it for someone else I'm sure.

I keep thinking how would I have considered getting a cat scan? When I worked for Avendra my boss said she went to a dermatologist about skin cancer and I should get it checked out. I figured it was kind of a long shot, I mean, have you seen me, I've got TONS of protection with my brown skin. BUT despite that, I did go and get my skin checked. For me, that's how it would have to come. I keep thinking I should write Oprah and ask her to publicize people with puffler's in the lungs and tell them to request cat scans, but that wouldn't have helped me because I never watched Oprah. Commercials about puffler's and medicine and insurance, were just blah blah blah to me as far as my own health was concerned. Florie told me about Lance Armstrong having this and seriously it was like it was the first time I heard it. So basically my friends would have had to tell me, I wouldn't have listened to my family (they still send me forwards about watching out for the man who gives you needles in grocery bags, so that you trip and fall on them when you buy oranges for less than 50 cents - and other ridiculous things). And it couldn't have been sent with a forward either because I automatically delete those. Lan told me I should have a fire ladder, and I do (never used it, still dusty in the box, but I have it, and it's in a place where I could use it if I needed to). I always get tested for HIV... I guess that's part of the problem, there is no simple blood test for this. But seriously, a cat scan is not like a pet scan, but you can still see if there is anything suspicious. So I guess what I'm saying is, especially for young adults (since apparently 70,000 Americans between 15-40 are diagnosed with cancer each year. ), tell your friends to request a cat scan. If the doctor doesn't suggest one, then lie and tell him/her that your mom, dad, friend, sister, aunt, cousin, dog, cat has puffler's and since it runs in the family, you just want to be sure. Gosh, if I had known to ask for a cat scan for the pain in my chest this could have been caught in stage 3 or 2 and I'd have had one surgery with a scar on my side instead of the scarab on chest. I'll keep thinking about other ways I would have acted earlier, it would be great if just one person gets surgery and is Cured (seriously that's what the doctor said stage 2 is curable!) rather than have to go through this crap that I'm going through.

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So my other thing is I have to get over my anger with smokers. It's going to be a work in progress but I decided I have one friend, Carisa, who used to smoke and I met her when she still smoked. She is going to be my sample smoker because she is a very kind person and I know she would not intentionally harm anyone. She is a little different because even when she smoked she was conscious of non- smokers, moving away from them, or fanning the air. So she is going to be my sample smoker so that I can work on getting rid of my anger towards strangers who smoke.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Just testing

So today I woke up at 6:30 and went for a run. I went around the blocks and back up the 2nd street hill (which is hard on with total lung capacity, in fact I later saw a biker walk his bike up half of it LAME). Anyway I was able to make it up the hill without coughing but Very winded so I walked a block and then ran another 10 minutes down and back up the other side of the hill.

Basically, all is well. Jennifer M. came over this afternoon and saw my scans so now it's not just the Andrea 25, she agrees there has been significant decrease. OK bring on the chemo (who ever would have thought I'd say that) let's see this bad boy get LOWER!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Chemo day? Nope

It wasn't meant to be today. I forgot to take the Dex yesterday. Bob and I got caught in traffic and were an hour late. Hopkins was an hour late. And finally my white blood cell count was 580 and it needs to be above 1000 to get chemo. It's strange to me that it went down from last week - the lowest its been since I started so next week I go back and we'll see if I get it or not.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Who am I? part 1

I meditated on emptiness this morning. Meditated on who I am, how I exist and then on NPR they talk about the book "Shadows Bright as Glass" where this guy who had a stroke changed drastically BUT remembered who he used to be. The book is the exploration into who we really are. Oh, yeah book club book!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Incidentally, and I do not say this flippantly, birth is a terminal disease.

Sunday.

I woke up happy it's beautiful out and I stayed up late last night researching support groups, what I have, what I need to do. I learned that I do have it better than some - the fact that my fatigue is not as bad as others (I can get out of bed, I don't feel bad and tired, just tired); and my pain is gone is already a plus. So now I'll look for some alternative treatments and also some adventures.

I have never really been afraid of much as far as experiences go, but now, what have I got to lose?! Not a damn thing so watch out because this ride is about to get faster! AND did I tell you I got my period today - menopause my ass HA! You know what? No one knows much about puffler's - no one knows how I got mine, and no one knows how it'll go - people can tell me what they think will work for me, but I've gotta decide what I'm going to do and what I'm not because that is what life's about.

So today I won my battle with my mind. YES! Today I am happy, so stuff it mind! Today when I meditated I imagined Avalokiteshvara smiling at me saying "Yes, you beat it!" because that's what this is, this is NOT. NOT a fight with puffler's, I am not fighting with puffler's. I am fighting with my mind.
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Monday

I learned some really important things from my 5 days of wallow wallow, sadness, woe is me, anger anger, mad as hell, wallow wallow.

1. Sadness, anger, depression and worry feel worse than in December and January when I was in the most pain, tired and coughing all the time. So my mind controls everything

2. Desire. Have you noticed that when you are sad for longer than a day, you have extended it on purpose? Tuesday was a shock and I was sad. Friday at the party I was shocked and mad but all those times in between? I felt like I COULD control it but my desire was to wallow wallow, sadness, woe is me, anger anger, mad as hell, wallow wallow. I could have tried smiling like I did in traffic, but I didn't. I could have listened to my parents positive words of encouragement, but I didn't. Why?
I don't know, why would I want to be sad? What if I had died with an angry mind and was reincarnated as a serial killer...who smokes (hee hee hee, I had to add that :D), that's not the next life I want. But I did it anyway. I need to have another sign on my wall to remind me, the next time. I don't know what it should say yet but I need something that will pull me out of that desire.

3. Number 3 is very important. The future does not exist. Let me repeat that. The future does not exist. It is a fantasy as much as dragons, magic and witches. If the future was my finish line, I'd never make it there, it will move away from me all the time. Maybe that's the sign I should post. I'm all worried about something that does not exist. Now I do have puffler's, but I'm not in pain, I can breathe, I can bike, and I can play 2 HOURS of dodgeball without coughing (coughing is my sign - the sign that my lungs are trying to get more air).


Today I went to the acupuncturist and RAN UP THE 2 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!! AND without coughing! woo hoo!

Today I picked up the CD with my petscans before and after chemo. The 2nd report isn't as detailed as the first so they don't say the approx. size, etc. BUT looking at the pictures side by side it looks like it's done by 25%! You can call that 'the Andrea 25'. Oh and that's my favorite number too. So anyway yahhh for decrease. After these rounds of chemo I will probably get another opinion about surgery. So if anyone knows a surgeon in the area, let me know.


Oh the Title of this one is a quote from a puffler support group's response to someone else.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Money - Insurance

Well just a few weeks ago my colleague raised money for me and I felt so weird about it but now I've started reading about survivors of this thing and how in debt they are, I'm so thankful for the assistance. My first expensive medical bill was $347 for the pet scan. I thought they must be wrong, I have insurance. I wonder how much the chemo bills will be. Fortunately I do have savings and investments so I'm not totally screwed. My cousin was diagnosed with lupus last year and owes 10K in medical bills so I figure I should keep at least that much available to me just in case. I looked at my assets to finalize my will and it makes my feel good that I have life insurance and investments that my family will get if I croak. When I think about them getting the money it makes me smile I wish I could see how they'd spend it. :)


I love my company but if I ever wanted to change jobs, I can't do so on a whim and I have to warn small companies of what I have because it may be too expensive for them to cover. Despite this, the survivors I read about still do change jobs, it is possible, just needs more preparation. So I haven't lost all my freedom in that aspect.

Mission

OK
I went to Medicine Buddha puja today and then listened to Heart Jewel in the car. That helped some. Florie told me a month ago about Lance Armstrong surviving puffler's - I didn't want to hear about anything then but today I have decided definitely no matter what I am NOT going to die from this. And I am Definitely not going to be getting freakin' treatments every 3 weeks forever either. I don't have control of every thing but I do have control over the decisions that I make and I get to decide.

So, for the first time since being diagnosed, I'm researching this crap. I have stage 4 Non small cell poorly differentiated favor adenocarcinoma. The doctor said that it is inoperable but I went on Lance Armstong's site and read these stories from 30 year olds with puffler's. From that I learned:

There is a procedure, called cherry picking where a doctor can go in and pluck out as much of the puffler's as possible. I read one survivors story and if it goes down enough it can be, if this doctor doesn't think so I'll just have to find another who can do that. One survivor had half a lung and could still go hiking and be active so that's the plan so far.

Another thing I learned is that I am lucky to have my pain gone without medication. I will say it again, my acupuncturist is a miracle worker, I haven't been in pain now for 6 or 7 weeks. I mean to get pins in you for an hour while you basically relax and to feel NO pain from that? Shwoo

So today my period started! I burst out laughing because I, for the VERY first time in my life, was happy to see it. I'm learning more and more about myself with this thing - there are things I don't want in life and I do want in life but most important to me is having the option to do even what I don't now desire.

Help? Everyone keeps asking me what they can do to help and thus far I've been like I don't know. But now I know

I have stage 4 Non small cell poorly differentiated favor adenocarcinoma if you know people who are in remission from this type of puffler's please let me know so that I can ask them about their doctor's/ treatments.

Friday

Today was good I even walked my sister's dog in the afternoon to get out of the house. I went to one of my neighbors parties playing guitar hero... I had to leave early because one of my neighbors, who knows I have puffler's, smoked and I can't take it. I was talking to him and was trying to get away from the door thinking it was coming from outside and I was like do you smell smoke? He was like 'that's me'. I had to walk away, smokers used to annoy me, now most of them tick me off, but someone who knows me? I'm going to get these F'N TREATMENTS FOR THE REST OF MY F'N LIFE and you know this and you're STILL a dumbass?? You know the risk and choose, they CHOOSE! Why would you choose that? Why would you smoke knowing that its the number 1 cause of the number 1 killing cancer? And why would you be so selfish to cause it for others from second hand smoke?

If I die today I will go into a lower re-birth because I'm so angry, I'm so angry that I have THIS type of puffler's, the type that people cause on their own! And was probably the cause of mine - second hand, I didn't even get to choose. So there goes my effort to be happy no matter what this week - it's shot.

Let's just go over the facts from Wikipedia:

Lung cancer is the deadliest type of cancer
Lung cancer is the most common cancer in terms of both incidence and mortality
Smoking is estimated to account for 87% of lung cancer cases
Lung cancer was uncommon before the advent of cigarette smoking
The overall five-year survival rate for all persons diagnosed with lung cancer is 14%.
An estimated 3,000 non-smoking adults will die each year from lung cancer related to breathing secondhand smoke.

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I want this to stop, I don't want to make the 5 year survival rate but only because I want to go from something else. I do NOT want to be dead from puffler's. There are so many better ways to die:
Car crash
Plane crash (I've been on a plane that was Really rocky, and thought we might crash, but this is perfect because you have enough time to get scared AND get calm before you go)
ocean sports (instantaneous death is always good)
hiking
Racing the Nuerburgring
Mini Transat Yacht Racing
African White Water Rafting (ummm hell yeah)
Backpacking (which let's face it, Totally cool way for ME of all people to die)

Type

stage 4 Non small cell poorly differentiated favor adenocarcinoma - begins in cells that line certain internal organs and that have gland-like (secretory) properties.

Friday, April 15, 2011

UNDEFEATED

WOO HOO! Played last night against an "easy team" to quote my team captain but it was closer than we anticipated and we played, or maybe just I played poorly. (still had fun though) I went to the bar after the game and hoped that my crush, Maui, would come so I could talk to him. He did come and I ended up staying until 12:30 am waiting for an opening that never came, but while waiting I had a good time dancing, playing drinking games (in which my teammate drank for me, such a nice guy) and talking to other guys.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

almost forgot, the org..

woeisme.org (get it?:D) I think I'm going to start on organization with this name for terminally ill/ chronically ill younger people(or maybe just active people) to do activities together like

Wingsuit sky diving
Cliff Jumping
BASE Jumping
trapeze
white water rafting
hiking
camping
hot air ballooning
helicopter flying

I'm really feeling the extreme sports. I don't want someone to say 'Andrea lost her battle with puffler's'. I think that sounds lame. 'Andrea was a dumb ass and kicked the bucket while cliff jumping.' That has a better ring to it, it sounds like I'm a dumb ass but it's sounds like I really LIVED.

I'm going to advertise on craigslist. If you have extreme sport suggestions (things that actually sound fun, not just dumb things, oh and no bungee jumping -ug I don't want to feel nauseous), let me know.

Oh, and if anyone is good with building simple websites let me know. oh woe is me I can't wait for you to start! :)

Drowning in a bag of chips

Today was better, though I woke up in tears, after eating an entire bag of BBQ chips I was able to forget the predicament and just enjoy eating a bag of chips.

I read up on the Lung Cancer Alliance who is trying to get funding from the government and asking people to call their Congressman (oh yeah, I don't have representation HA!) and wanting this to be like the breast or colon puffler funding. They mentioned the stigma associated with this type of puffler's. At first I was like stigma? What sigma? But you know the majority of people with this disease were/are smokers. I don't want anyone to get sick but dude if you play Frogger in the streets you're a dumb ass. That's another reason why I don't want to do any support groups. In my life I have been the most anal person about smoking. I've taken cigarettes away from friends even as a teen when you some think it's cool- I looked at them in disdain. I'd wave my hands in my face when people smoke outside and hold my breathe when walking past. (obviously, that doesn't work, though I still do it). So while I have a disease that no one wants I also have a disease filled with dumb asses who probably wouldn't be here if they hadn't smoked and yet they STILL made it to freakin' 50 before getting it! SERIOUSLY, the irony.

I had a customer today who was so angry because he couldn't reach me yesterday. I just thought 'Really, is it that serious? Dude I would LOOOOVE to have your problem, let's switch problems'.

I'm going to a dog adoption fair this weekend. I figure no use holding off on adopting a dog since this thing is never ending. So we'll see if I can find a match.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Winter

So I went to see the doctor today and the puffler's has decreased and she wants to do only 2 more treatments! I was so excited until I asked then what. Then we'll take another scan and see how it looks then, if it goes down again there will be 2 more treatments and then we'll go to maintenance chemo of just Altima which isn't as harsh as cistoplatin.
Until when?
Until forever. For the rest of your life. There is only a 10% chance that you'll go into remission and not need any treatment for any period of time. She said one of her patients who had a totally different disease went into remission. She only sees patients with puffler's in the lungs but his type was so different that she thinks of it as a different disease.

So those people that you see on TV that are "survivors" that's not the option she's giving me, that's not what I have, there are no Walks for what I have, there are very few survivors for what I have. There are people who have died from it or people who have it - no in betweens. I just thought that by chronic it meant that I'd go into remission and have to get scanned every month and that it may come back; but in actuality I have a 10% chance of having remission and those people you see on TV with breast cancer, those aren't me. I wish for breast cancer, can you imagine, if only I had that I could at least have better odds.

I'm 36 years old, and until forever is a really long time you know? It's not the same to get it when you're 50 or 60 I'm looking at ALWAYS having to go to the doctor for so many more years. It's never going to end, I've been putting things on hold like renovations on the house and getting a dog. I was looking forward to getting the port out once treatments end but I'm always going to have treatments. And what am I going to do about work and PTO, I'm always going to have to take at least 1 day off every 3 weeks to go to the doctor. When can I take an actual vacation? What about insurance? Disability? I'm always going be a burden to my friends and family and I know they won't say it like that but I'll be like that friend who you get frustrated with because they are always talking about their bad relationship but I can't stop it! They are always going to be concerned about me in this way who wants to do that? Who wants to be sad or stressed out for their friend or family all the time? And then dating - it seems selfish to seriously date someone and make them deal with this. I didn't have my period this month so she also said I'm temporarily menopausal not that I wanted kids, but I always kept the option of having kids open if the guy I loved wanted them - now that is off the table. It's like I had this life with all these options and now the noose is closing on them and limiting them and I can't control it and I can't stop it.

It's good news, right, at least it decreased - she said usually it does not decrease it usually just plateaus so I'm above average. But I just hoped to get my normal life back for a period of time. So many people that you hear about - it ends, treatments end, it's very hard to hear that mine won't.

Needless to say, this was not a happy day, I couldn't muster it - I was forced to look at the future today and it looks like a cold dark winter day.

Monday, April 11, 2011

still working on it....

So Saturday was the second day of working on being happy no matter what. I got pancakes at a diner and then went to meet Bonnie for pedicures in Fairfax. That was a work in progress (are you seeing a pattern here, driving takes effort) there was a bit of traffic and my google maps could not quite tell me the fastest way to go so I had to keep turning around and making it re-calculate. I managed to remain not as frustrated as I would have been had I not been trying but still a bit annoyed.

Pedicures were fun though, it was nice catching up with Bonnie just the two of us, which is rare. Then we went to see Lan, who's baby boy was born on Friday. It was so sweet to see Bundy (Chris) tell his son he loves him. How interesting it is being a parent, you know the person for less than a day and already you love them. If it were any other relationship you would think that was weird.

I stayed up late Friday catching up with Jennifer so after visiting with Lan I went home and took a nap until Toula woke me up just in time to go to dinner with Florie and Don.

Sunday was another good day as I played the part of a bum until dinner with Yunki.

Today I didn't have to make an effort to be happy either until the DC Vote rally. As you may or may not know DC residents pay taxes but Congress gets to decide how we spend them and now they want them spent on something we voted for and against (the issues are irrelevant to me) however it's odd that we are bombing another country because they aren't democratic yet DC residents pay more taxes than some states yet we aren't represented in Congress and can't determine where our money goes. We're hypocrites - I once heard that one of our leaders went to China who was mocked by them because of this. In the end though is DC residents fault, today there were 100 people protesting but there are 600,000 of us so I guess most of us are OK with it.

Anyway I went to the rally and the people who protested on the streets willingly allowed themselves to be arrested along with our mayor. When they sent all those who wanted, to jail they then re-opened the streets. I was on the sidewalk with my bike the whole time when the cops were demanding that I move back so that they can open the streets. I was on the sidewalk and said "That's not fair. it's not against the law to stand on the sidewalk" to which the cop answered "It's against the law to disobey a police officer. you have 3 seconds to step back." I said OK and literally moved one foot back one foot for 3 seconds, then he said "OK you can go was that so hard." The entire time I was checking myself for anger, and I found that I wasn't, maybe I was some other kind of emotion - I didn't feel unhappy, I didn't feel frustrated... I think I felt self-righteous, I mean what an abuse of power, if I hadn't moved my foot would he have arrested me for standing on the sidewalk? If he had said jump up and down on one leg and hold your breathe and I didn't do it, could he then arrest me since "it's against the law to disobey a police office?". Whatever the case, it made him feel better to say and do that so at least he's happy. All in all, it's still a work in progress but I think I'm faring pretty well so far.

Oh! the good news is I was able to walk faster up the stair to the acupuncturist today compared to the first time when I thought "ummm I'm going to have to use someone else that doesn't have all these stairs"

AND I biked to the rally and back and didn't have any breathing problems and didn't have to stop to get up my hill. I did start coughing a little once I got home so I guess the lungs aren't totally clear but my hope is 1 more treatment and WALLA! (As you remember, that's the second thing I'm working on, hoping good things for my future self but not being attached/disappointed if they don't come true... )

Tomorrow the doctor will tell me what my treatment future holds as she sees it.

So

Friday, April 8, 2011

Dodgeball Sore!

Man am I sore! I jammed my thumb last night so I've been babying it all day I think the swelling is going down but it still hurts to try and move it too much. But the rest of my body is DODGEBALL SORE I mean my legs from crab walking to keep from falling; my back from curving front then left, then quickly right;my side - what move made my side sore and the left side of my left back knee? I don't know only dodge ball moves for 2 games in a row can do this to you. :)


So yesterday was my first official day of trying my work in progress - to be happy no matter the circumstance and to hope for myself happiness (the second is a tricky one because while I hope for myself and wish for things in my future, I must be happy with the 'now' reality and not attach to that future - whoa that's a hard one). So here is how I did.

Yesterday was an easy day to start physically because I felt good. Work was also easy - I spoke with customers, I figured out their issues and didn't deal with anyone irate so I didn't have to avoid getting wrapped up into their moods. My colleague,James, also gave me some good advice - when he went through puffler's he just told himself he was going to get the flu every 2 weeks and it helped instead of thinking about it as chemo.


My teacher, Varahi came to visit, which was also nice and keeping in with the making yesterday's happiness easier. At the end of the day I had planned to meet Jennifer M. for dinner and a movie at 6:30. I knew when I said 6:30 that I should have said 7, to deal with rush hour traffic but I didn't. So at 6:25 I was stuck in rush hour traffic. I was getting frustrated by people not driving the speed limit - my first challenge. I yelled "I am going to still be happy dammit!" Yep, that didn't make me happy, so I begrudgingly smiled - at first it was too fake, it didn't work I was still annoyed and impatient. I tried smiling again this time a real one, and this time, go figure, it actually helped. I immediately thought - don't do this at home, the worse thing you can do is tell Someone else to smile to make them feel better, you have to want to do it for it to actually work. Once I genuinely smiled I could feel my body calm down and not be frustrated. So score 1 for me for my first day.



The people I know - my friends, colleagues, family, acquaintance - they are so amazing. You know, driving on the street, these people may be in front of you cutting you off, braking and honking, driving like molasses, weaving in and out, they may flick you off and get angry at you. But these are the same people who may not know me but sent me a birthday card, gave money to someone in need, is taking care of a friend, is checking up on me to make sure I'm OK when they aren't, offering a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board, praying for me in centers and churches, making a person feel welcome, sending word of encouragement to a stranger, keeping a secret for a friend or an acquaintance... amazing, AMAZING people. I'm shocked by it sometimes, when I think about the people who have commented on even this blog to say kind words to someone they don't know. I don't think about that when I'm frustrated with someone, especially when I'm driving but the people I know are so amazing that the people you know must be too and some of those people may be in rush hour traffic with me driving like molasses.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Pet scan

Today I got my pet scan, the results will take a couple of days. pet scans are scary I must admit. I didn't know I was claustraphobic but in that machine I need to hold on to the image of a stupa I have,chant Geshela is with you, and squeeze my eyes so tight they almost open. I don't know how anyone else gets through it. While in there I keep thinking too - this is all in your mind, you know that you won't be hurt, you know that it will be finished in 15 minutes and you survived it before, however your mind is still scared. When I'm able to take a pet scan or MRI without fear, I'll know that I've grown in the ability to control my mind.

Later, in the car a driver got angry with me which had me thinking - I cannot make anyone happy or angry, I can't change their emotions at all - they do that all on their own. And to be honest, even if I were a Buddha, I couldn't do that. Only I control what I feel and with good reason, action A is what I would do but Action B is what another person would do in the same situation but those actions might be completely opposite of the other and because of that opposition I could be mad or sad or happy. Can I make myself happy everyday?... I think I'm going to try that. What makes me happy? I do but it sure does seem like outside things do. Certainly dodgeball feels like something that makes me happy - my escape from puffler's but how can I give myself that escape that's my challenge.


Speaking of dodgeball - we had a double header and won both games - we are the only undefeated team now. Woo hoo! I tried to catch a ball and totally rammed my finger so I'll be icing that now. Better finger than port so that's good.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Better

Today I felt better - still a little off kilter in the morning but by the evening I started to even out.

My face is changing color. Around my eyes it has stayed the same but everywhere else my skin has gotten slightly darker. Only I can tell at this point...mhhh, I don't want to do this anymore. Even though it hasn't been that bad, part of me doesn't want do it. Last night I started thinking 'hey maybe this is working.' but that led to 'oh no, how much longer do i have to do this for. i don't want to do it'. I started freakin' out thinking about it and trying to think of something else instead.

I don't chant the Medicine Buddha mantra often, I guess I just want this to mean something you know, so taking and giving is what I do the most. I just want any suffering I have to be at least taking away someone else's - I mean maybe that's happening anyway, not everyone can possibly be suffering at the same time - maybe when we suffer we are already taking away someone else's suffering. Kinda like you lose the race and feel sad but that means someone else is happy. That's a nice thought isn't it? Maybe the world balances itself so all the good fortune I had previously, someone else was really suffering for and now they are in bliss. If that's the case, I betcha they really appreciate it now for having gone through all that suffering. I can certainly see how I could appreciate so much more now.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Icky

I worked the first part of today and then went to Hopkins for blood work and hydration. My energy was OK but I felt not quite right all day.

I felt still icky on the way back from Hopkins and thought it was just gas. I went to pick up carryout and then while in the car, at a stop light, I throw up. I didn't see that one coming so I definitely could not have taken the nausea medicine before time.

It's a weird feeling because my body's saying something's not right but it can't pinpoint what - am I hungry, sleepy, thirsty? Am I gassy, nauseous? I don't know, I just know that I don't feel right and I don't like it.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Some things i'm learning

So after Cindi's visit this past week there are some things I've learned.

1. Not all puffler's are the same so when my colleague, who has a different type of puffler's, said he was getting a bone marrow transplant, that wasn't something that I had to look forward to - the chemo is NOT going to kill all my white blood cells so that they don't come back ever again and I need a transplant. Go figure, guess I can take that possibility out of the back of my mind.

2. Sometimes ignorance is not bliss.. Sometimes it is, so I still don't want details people, just that sometimes, it's not

3. If I, a non-smoker, non factory worker, young person can get puffler's in her lungs than anything can happen. So if what seems impossible occurs, then what seems impossible CAN occur. Meaning, I can dream for myself anything that I want - it can happen or not happen, but why not dream it?

4. I haven't found what it is to make people happy but I think it has something to do with kids and exchanges



Today was a beautiful day - sunny and warm. I felt my energy back to normal but was still a little queasy through the day. My challenge is still trying to drink enough. Tomorrow when I go to Hopkins they are also going to give me fluids intravenously just to make sure I have enough.

I went to acupuncture and for the first time was able to go up the 2 flights of stairs without taking a break AND without coughing and gasping at the top! Soo I get my pet scan soon, but I think this may be working! Oh wouldn't it be wonderful if I was almost done with getting chemo and just BE again?

My brother brought his family by this evening and I was still able to rough house and play with my niece and nephew - doing what? oh yeah, cartwheels and jumping up and down!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Chemo 2 - Day 5 & 6 My Birthday

About 11:45 Friday night I felt nausea for the first time, I just had gas that had to get out that made me keep gagging. Yuck. While I was gagging, I was like 'dammit they told me to not wait to take the extra nausea pills, BEFORE if I feel nausea' fortunately i hadn't eaten much but the little i drank did come out.

Yesterday I felt pretty good all day, a little queasy and gassy but otherwise OK. Cindi and I watched Firefly all day and then went to the dodgeball party. The party was in Adam's Morgan at Tom Tom's but "Maui", my dodgeball crush, did not make an appearance, so we basically talked to guys on my team (dodgeball fanatics all ! like me) and tried to get some dancing in (which was pretty unsuccessful as the music was pretty bad).

When we got back, it was like a slumber party night, we stayed up talking about Cindi's boy and puffler's and a little about the future - it was good, I'm glad to have some quality time to spend with her rather than just puffler tiredness.

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Today was my birthday and a few of my friends came over to volunteer to clean up the neighborhood by picking up the trash. Ummm, GROSS! I live in the city and while if you just walk past you may Not notice all the trash, but it is sooo there. We picked up some gross crap, plus a LOT of cigarette butts. And dude, young and old I betcha THEY don't have puffler's! Like seriously, how did I get this disease again?

My energy level felt good today, though I did start to get dizzy picking up trash. I'm still trying to drink more, which is hard, water tastes gross but I wake up thirsty.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Chemo 2 - Day 4

Nothing new here, I slept. I didn't drink enough. I walked Toula for 30 minutes. I ate some. Still just tired.