Wednesday I got lectured by the holistic doctor about not taking the supplements
AND the spiritual/energy healer (apparently she didn't get my 2 messages last week and thought I had wasted her time).
You know what though, I don't want to hear it. I decide what I want to do and if I don't want to take 14 pills a day, then I'm not going to. No one can scare about dying, don't dangle that in my face and think I'm going to run away frightened cause I'm not. I don't have kids. I don't have a husband. I don't have a dog. I have no one who depends on me to be here. And even if I do Everything that everyone suggests doesn't mean that I'll definitely survive. I keep repeating it, but I got a 50/50 chance, just like everybody else.
Wednesday I meditated on what I would grasp at the time of death and I couldn't think of anything for death BUT my biggest attachment is being able to be active - to me the people who are the strongest are those who are disabled. Being in a wheel chair, or paraplegic, or always having no energy or can't get around, or always in pain, or tired, or SICK... you know, some of what I felt all winter...that is my attachment, my fear... I'm so attached to it I don't really know how to get rid of it, meditate on it a lot? I don't know about that one...
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So surgery was a success, and I have the port and the doctor said I could play dodgeball Oh YEAH! But once the numbing agent wore off and I stood up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom OUCH! It feels like gravity is trying to move the port down and out. Lan suggested a sports bra and to sit up straight more often so that the skin can get used to the change so I'm trying that now. I don't look like the borg... you know what it does look like? Remember the movie "The Mummy" and those black scarabs that would eat you from the inside out? It looks like I have one of them in me. That's kinda cool, if I make it to Halloween then maybe I'll be a scarab victim hee hee :)
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