Disabled vs Death, which would you chose?

So today I worked and went to acupuncture - my new Monday routine. Cindi came over in the afternoon, my "caregiver" for the week. Cindi suggested I think about talking to someone like a therapist. I feel happy and so I thought 'eh, maybe I'll think about it."

Then I spoke to the energy healer who went over what she did 3/15 and the impressions she got - she said she gets the feeling that I'm apathetic to surviving. She said I made a very practical decision in trying chemo and seeing how it goes and if it doesn't work then I just stop. It's true I DON'T care if I live or die at this point... Cindi said even if she was like Christopher Reeve, she would still rather live! Can you believe that?? She rather have my VERY worst fear!!

The energy healer said 'It's interesting that you'd rather die than be disabled because you could have been born that way and not had a choice.' Which is so true, then I got a little worried, what if I die and come back disabled! BUT I think if I started out disabled I'd be OK with it. Growing up I felt like being black was a "disability", and in some ways it was for me but I worked through it, so I think the same is true if I had some real disability from the beginning.

The healer didn't say this but I got the impression that she thinks that I may have caused this because I don't have a fear of death, or because I thought I'd die young already - kinda like a self-fulfilling prophesy. It could be, but it's kinda like the chicken or the egg argument PLUS PLUS
I always thought I'd die in a car accident I mean, I've been in 10 of them in the span of 5 years, I thought FOR SURE that's how I'd go so I definitely didn't cause PUFFLER'S. I'd have caused something QUICK. She also asked me what I'd do if the chemo is successful and I have to do this for a year... I honestly don't know. If I have as little side effects as the first time, I may be able to do that for a year, if I have pain and suffering then I definitely won't continue - it's just not worth it to me.

So She ALSO suggested talking to someone but she said maybe you should talk to someone about what lessons you've learned in your life, what you gained, and how to prepare for your next life. So maybe I'll talk to Varahi about that when she comes next week.

The healer asked me if I have trouble communicating and I don't. I'm blunt, I say what I want, (though I don't like to talk about all my feelings, I'd much rather write them. But I do still say what I want) and I do what I want and have been like that most of my life so I've had a good life. When I think of dying, if I feel sadness, it's that I haven't done enough to help more people or that I'm so sorry that I'm the cause of sadness for my friends and family. That sucks, I don't want my friends and family to be sad... that really sucks. Sorry friends and family, please don't be sad.

I have been always looking for something tangible that could help lots of people drastically and I haven't found it, maybe I never will, but if I lived longer I'd have a chance to figure it out. Maybe the only way is to become a Buddha, but I feel like there should be something that I can DO now, like physically, but I don't know what it is, it's frustrating. I can give away all my money, I can give all my time but how can I truly give away how I'm feeling? When I feel jumping up and down and cartwheels happy, HOW can I give that to anyone else? I'm really trying with the Taking and Giving meditation but it would be nice to have some sense that something has changed because of it.

So I guess you can say I'm in a state of limbo. What do I want the healer asked me. I want to live my life on my terms - without being sick or disabled, able to do everything I could do before puffler's - travel, hike, bike, play, BREATHE dammit. I feel like that's such an obvious answer, um duh? But apparently some people's answer is quite simple without the caveats - I want to live. No. I want quality, not quantity. So do I want to work and desperately cling to a life where I can't hike? I DO NOT. I want jumping up and down and cartwheels and to be honest, I don't think that's too much to ask.

Tonight, Cindi, Bob and I went to Kushi for some authentic Japanese cuisine and I got full off of yakionigiri - yummmmm.