Georgetown doc

Today Jennifer M. accompanied me to the doctor in Georgetown - they have a lot of resources but it took an hour before we were seen by the fellow and 90 min before we saw the doctor. At 11 though, Tiffany, from Hopkins called about an appointment. John, from the Jimmy V foundation sent them and email and now I have an appointment at noon tomorrow. Not to mention my CEO also called and they knew that I had an appointment before I even got around to telling them. (THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE)

The Gtown Doc said that in stage 2, puffler's is curable. Seriously, if that's true, then why don't we have a better form of early detection! If I survive this, I will be walking for early detection not 'the cure'. Did you also know that puffler in the lungs kills more women than puffler's in the colon and rectal, breast, and prostate combined. Why is there no early detection method - I get HIV tested every time I get a physical, why not test for puffler's?

Anyway as you can see the prognosis is not good and I am terrified into indecision - my friends and family have always said I was brave and I always told them that it wasn't true, the things that I am scared of are just different.

I'm scared of getting the port put in - not because of the surgery - but because it's the first change in this new life that I don't want to start. I want this nightmare to stop and go back to my real life. I repeat this wish so often - I feel like Dorthy, in her red shoes...

I want to close my eyes and tap my heels together three times. "there's no place like home." Wake up in my bed 8 months ago with no chest pains, or cough...

OK, you're right...

Yesterday I had a costume party. It was awesome, my friends, locally and from out of town came over dressed up and we had a absolutely wonderful time.

My friend's Sarah and Ayori came in from California and I realized that I'm already starting to live the life I'm scared chemo will bring me - during the day I was tired and felt not 100% myself. I already can't sleep through the night. I already can't walk without resting. I already can't run with the dog or kids. I already wouldn't be able to throw my nieces and nephew around. I already feel like something is wrong - unmotivated and lethargic.

I thought that I needed a nap but it turned out that after I took my pain medication, I felt like myself again...besides the cough. That's no way to live, I want to enjoy my friends and my life and not feel sick, not have coughing fits that make me unable to talk, or breather or LAUGH - so let's do this thing. I still want to get another opinion - but I'm going to do this thing. Let's take some treatment - probably chemo - and go through some crap so that I can get back to my new reality and my new life because it IS worth suffering through chemo to keep.


----------------
My party was soooooo much fun by the way - I have the BEST friends EVER! As Cindi said, ' wow, you've done a good job mingling your friends' as friend after friend entered and were like 'How ARE you, I haven't seen you in so long!". oh yeah, "through friends" rears it's beautiful head!

My sister was so sweet and bought this canvas for people to write "sunshine thoughts" on, to keep me happy and motivated - it got taken over by my friend's children (what kid can resist crayons and a canvas to display their artistic brilliance? lol) but it was such a nice thought.


So if anyone reads this I'm going to go through people's names and costumes so if you forget their name you can look them up here:

Umpa lumpa - Florie
Elvis - Don (Florie's husband)
Golfer - Jennifer M
Pizza Delivery guy (but other costume sounds funnier) - Hyo (Jennifer's husband)
St. Patrick's Day cheerleader - Yunki
Mardi Gras fanatic with lace black dress and long locks - Ayori(from Cali)
green wigged Mardi Gras fanatic - Ebony
Small tiger - Keira (daughter to Bonnie and Matt)
Vikings (female) - Bonnie
Vikings ( male) - Matt (Bonnie's husband)
Biker - Holly
Monk - Desmond (or Desmonk as he joked)
Flapper - ME!!!!!!!
Muslim mother of 4, "old fashioned girls" - Kori
Princess... - Cindi (who came up from NC)
and the pea - Mike (Cindi's boyfriend)
Motorcycle chick - Pontea (dressed in leather)
Flash Gordan/ looked oddly like something else - Bob
Boy scout/ Eagle scout (he's had that uniform since he was 17! work it - Tim (Bob's bf)
Old Hollywood star - Sarah (who came over from California)
Mardi Gras fanatic that couldn't smile in mask :) - my sister, Jennifer
himself - Kemi (my cousin, also goes by Djenan)
himself - William ( my neighbor)
FEMA - Adam (my neighbor)
Party Girl (who should have been Snuffleupagus :D)- Dee (my neighbor, Adam's wife)
Knocked up cow girl(yes, she's really pregnant :D) - Lan (friend from junior high)
Asian tourist - Chris (who I still call Bundy, Lan's husband)

thankful

So again very very thankful for my friends and family and my company and my sangha. Thank you is not even enough to express how fortunate I am. I spoke to John from the Jimmy V foundation today, who was awesome to talk to and made me feel a lot better, I don't know how but maybe it's b/c he's used to dealing with puffler patients. Last night my SVP and CEO hooked me up with doctors to talk to and advice. My cousins, aunts and uncles doing research for me - I'm very thankful.

NEGATIVE

I'm negative for the EFGR test and EML4 test so I can't take the pill everyday. The one that has a high success rate, fewer side effects and you feel better not worse in a few weeks.

I don't know what to do - should I do nothing? The doctor says if I do nothing I have about 6 months to a year to live. i am terrified... I don't know, I think these other puffler survivors are stronger than me - they just go for it. My boss's boss sent me a link to a blog a colleague wrote and he's really positive from the beginning - smiles and armor on, ready to go to battle, like Wolverine. I'm more like Rogue (Can you take this mutation away?) or the kid that only prepared to help heal soldiers not go to battle myself.

Everyone wants me to act, to start some treatment NOW! But are you so brave?????

My fear is just different - I can handle the thought of death over the thought of pain.

---

I went to dodgeball last night and caught 3 people's throws - even a guy's! I was even the last one standing and caught it and was able to bring someone else back in! Suuweet!! I'm missing the playoffs for dodgeball unfortunately to go to cancer treatment centers of america in Philly. I want to play dodgeball next season - it takes my mind off of the pain and puffler's entirely, but if I lose my hair - maybe they won't want to play with me... maybe I'll feel icky and won't be able to play.

What I've gained so far...

So I may be dying. But I have got the most wonderful friends, so while I didn't gain them just now and I always thought they were great, in the past 2.5 weeks of being diagnosed with puffler's they have proven themselves to be... un-speakably, un-describably,un- mentionably wonderful (so much so that I had to make up 3 new words just now). I'm very very lucky. My one friend, part of my sangha, started a Kindness video project and so many of my friends I could tell great stories about.

And then my family - how wonderful are they - sending information galore, sending prayers, cards, chocolate covered fruit.

And then my sangha - my old (which now is california) and new (which is my original DC) giving me so much needed advice, and prayers

And my spiritual guide - who said he would make prayers for me, just for me

And my company - who tells me that the company's resources are at my disposal - just let them know what I need.

If I had any doubt at how loved and cared for I was, I would no longer have it.

Thank you, everyone.

--------------------

I've also gained an understanding - I'm not enlightened yet, so I can't help everyone be free from suffering yet... and in order to free them, I have to free me - I have to control my mind. as buddha said (or maybe Shanti Deva) external events are out of your control, all you can control is your mind. so my OUTLOOK on the external events are all i can control, so I must stay positive - even if this kills me, i want to die with a happy mind.
-----------------------

i might have written this before but my customers have gained a lot too. They can't stress me out, they can't make me angry, their problems - even the huge ones like having a bug that hasn't been fixed in 2 months and is affecting their reporting to their board - compared to a terminal disease? Sorry, not even close. You hate salesforce and Support and wanted a call back earlier? vs dying - nope, no affect. I am super nice, super sweet, and it's laughable to me what is making them angry, but I used to get mad at just the same stupid crap. I still have some other stupid crap that I think is important, like traffic or a slow car, but now, in the back of my mind,I'm like hmmmm not important... but a good distraction from the puffler's.

Arrgh

damn it.if it weren't for this damn enlightenment goal i could just give up! every time i'm in a car i hope someone hits me killing me instantly. i keep chanting i may die today and i don't think i'm scared of that, except i really want this bad karma to go through it's cycle so I won't have to deal with it again in any future life.

no, i don't want to hear about it

maybe other people who get life threatening diseases want to hear about the symptoms and treatments and all the bad stuff that happens but I think that's for healthy people...I can't believe I don't fall into that category anymore.

today i got a 2nd opinion from a holistic doctor which was much more positive but I still will have to change my lifestyle and this still is going to be a chronic disease.

i keep imagining my mom, who is a sick person, always talking about her aches and ailments, unable to run around with the kids because of lack of energy or pains. I can't imagine not being able to rough house with kids or the look kids get when they see a sick person.

i see healthy people on the street (or presumably healthy, and I'm envious). I used to be envious of people in love with boyfriends, or people with an innie belly button and now...

it's a good thing i went to thailand for a meditation retreat last year. i did say that i wanted to go so that meditation would be in my mental continuum and so that I could harness the power of my mind. maybe this is why this is happening, so i can practice harnessing it's power.



so i went to dodgeball today, maybe I have gained another type of freedom - I'm dying, there is no reason to be embarrassed, if i want to dance and sing in the streets i can do that. that's what i did tonight

PUFFLER'S news

I have stage 3b or 4a depending on what system of puffler's you look at. The doctor said I'd have chemo for 84 days in 21 day intervals to see if the experiment of this type of chemo is working on me. he does not want to biopsy me so that i can get the chemo-sensitivity done. he says that i'll be on drugs for the rest of my life always worrying about it coming back. i can't take it. i can't take thinking about being a sick person - i hate the thought of not being able to play rough with my neices and nephew and travel whenever i want however i want.freedom, he says that my future is giving up freedom. how can i sell my house and travel around volunteering with this?

i lost it today. devastation.

i have to think only of now. i have to think i could die today in a car accident and may never get to this freedom-less future anyway. ..i wish for some car accident so that i never get to this freedom-less future.

but i'm striving for enlightenment. so may my pain please be getting me closer to enlightenment so that i can help all living beings - please, even a Foe Destroyer, please.

tomorrow i see another doctor who practices holistic medicine, please let him have better news.

my hair dresser suggested a doctor in honduras dr. sebi
http://www.drsebi.com/home.html

they said they could cure things. i see why people buy everything when sick. potential cure vs. freedom-less existence. i'll probably try that too...

disease results

today i went to the hospital to get my results so i wouldn't have to wait until wednesday.

the puffler cells have not infiltrated my brain or my liver just my chest so that's good. It is actually puffler's disease and not some mix up so that's bad.

i've decided to rename cancer for me, it will no longer be called that it will be called puffler's disease which sounds much more manageable and curable and sounds like something i should actually have - obtained from some foreign country.

i'm feeling good - i'm on a mission to get rid of puffler's and my taking and giving mediation this morning makes me feel better and i am still nice to customers at work. oh and it was warm today so it was a good day.

Taking and Giving

Today I meditated on taking. Just imagine if every cough I have, every fear I feel, every discomfort or painful experience I have from this disease is taking away the pain of other living beings.

Imagine the dolphins in Japan being killed less and less ; the incidence of AIDs decreases in Tanzania as I experience more pain; courage rises up in those being oppressed as I go through a bout of fear that paralyzes me. I must keep thinking that, because that's what a Buddha is able to do and that's what I need to imagine I'm doing with every ounce of my being - it's the only thing that will make the pain OK. Now I can feel the joy of knowing that less children are being abused, less people are getting irritated, people are becoming peaceful and truly free.

Feel that joy?

Another day

"Dear Andrea

Geshe-la says he will make prayers for you

Warm Regards

Steve
NKT General Secretary"


This is what I have to remember, Geshe-la is making prayers for me - no matter what, it'll be OK.

Ramblings of shocked woman

when i was a kid or a teen, i don't actually remember when i came to this belief,i got it in my head that i was going to die young. it's not something that depressed me as i went on enjoying life but it's something that i believed like others believe they'll have kids, and i didn't think there was anything odd about that. i believed it so deeply that after i turned 25 i thought, huh this is strange, I haven't been hit by a car yet. And by 27 I was depressed - i just hadn't planned a life that would make it to that age. i was without direction, purpose, goals. hadn't i done all that i had set out to do? - i traveled to China, I LIVED in Japan, I spoke Japanese and I've helped people - through volunteering and teaching..part of me was knocking on the "ceiling" saying OK, I'm ready what's taking you so long?

I eventually got so depressed i had thoughts of suicide, until one day my friend called, just by chance, after I'd hit an especially low point. when she called, unlike other times, i couldn't keep the pain from my voice and she came over. she saved my life. after that i got counseling and then i found the religion that was meant for me. The one that makes it impossible for me to seek to end my life because it gave me the highest goal I could possibly dream of - end all the suffering of all living beings by becoming an enlightened being, a Buddha. The more time I have in this human life, the closer I get to achieving that goal so I can't end it prematurely.

Now it's 2/10/11, 7 years after that and I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I am 35 years old - I don't smoke, I've never done drugs, I drink rarely, I exercise regularly, and my only regular indulgence is chocolate.

Buddha says the time of death is unexpected - children die before their parents, and healthy people die before sick people, it can happen at any time, so you should be prepared. I know that's true but my meditations on death have been weak at best to this point. I've only known older people to die and no one close to me has been deathly ill, the only reality I could bring to the meditation was the 10 car accidents I've been in. Struggling I imagined myself in the hospital after a car accident and the pain and then the darkness and then leaving those I love behind... but I could never feel the emotion of it.

So far, I'm not dying, well not anymore or less than anyone else,in fact right now - today- is no different from 12/13/10 the first day I went to the doctor about chest pains. So in some ways the cancer does not exist.

The doctor's say it looks like I've had cancer for a while. Buddha says nothing exists independently (not even nothing). Basically this cancer only exists DEPENDENT on me knowing it exists - weird huh? So last year at this time, when I was at the meditation retreat, I could have had cancer, but I didn't act like a person, of feel like a person, or sound like a person who had cancer, therefore I didn't.

Isn't that something?

You know what is the most difficult thing right now? Adjusting and having others adjust their definition of me... I know I exist dependent on perceptions and parts.

My perception has been that of an extremely healthy person; and while I'm glad, I'm so glad that I have so many wonderful friends and family who love me, and care about me and pray for me... I don't want that perception to change.

I'm Andrea the adventurer, "a.walker not a runner", the jumper,the athlete
I'm Andrea the fit, the strong, the tough
I'm Andrea the happy, the smiling, the laughing
I'm Andrea the INVINCIBLE!!!!!
Don't forget about me, I'm still here, don't treat me like it's not true
because I exist dependent on perceptions and parts.

Please remind me, because I'm beginning to change my perception too.