I've been renovating my basement that my sister is currently renting. I employed her friend, and it's been strange - this is the first time, since owning my house that a contractor asked my renter, not me, what is wanted. My sister thinks that it's about cost, but it's not that, it's that someone is making choices about my house without me. It makes me feel like I'm fast to the grave... I'm getting surgery today, a simple port removal, but surgery's could always put you fast in the grave so maybe today will be my last.
If that's the case I'm pretty prepared, I have a will and life insurance. I've received all the empowerments I wanted to - HYT, Matreiya, Avoliteshevara, Medicine Buddha, plus some more. I've lived the life taking chances and risks and adventures and I've loved it. I've made the most awesome friends that I hope to see my next life time and have had the good fortune of being in a loving family. If today is my last day then I leave with no regrets about how things could have been different if only I had done this and that - I'm happy about that.
------------
So this wasn't my last day! I got the same doctor (or physician assistant) as I got the last time, Jillian, whose sister plays roller derby. Sweet! It took all day. I was supposed to get there at 8:30 to start the surgery at 9:30. I was on time but my surgery didn't begin until 11:15 and we didn't get out of Hopkins until 2:30 - wow, glad I took the whole day off today. Afterwards I went to Mom's organic to continue my new eating regime.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Healthy eating starts now?
So I saw a nutritionist who walked me through what I need to do and eat and went with me to the grocery store to buy all organic foods.
Thursday night my friend kindly bought me a juicer so that I could begin Friday. And so I did 'ish' I took the morning supplements and drank the glass of water before meditating. Then I begin making the morning juice and to my surprise and relief,the juice was decent! The wall came with the amount of juice. I actually don't eat or drink that much and the recipe makes 2 glasses of juice, I could only get down 1.5 and felt sooooo stuffed! So stuffed that I couldn't do the next step which was making breakfast and the green juice, I wasn't hungry again until 1. So then I had a baked (organic) sweet potato with raw butter(which is really yummy) and steamed broccoli with sea salt (the kind that has specs in it, go figure). The nutritionist by the way is very good, really positive and full of information.
I have been purging EVERYTHING in my house that I use on me - laundry detergent (I need less chemically one), lotion, toothpaste (I now have Mercola's which took me a couple of days to get used to not having a sweet toothpaste, but actually my mouth feels fresher after), produce, seasonings, oils, bath soap, deodorant, storage containers (no more plastic),house cleaners ShWooo! is anyone else tired? I certainly am.
The nutritionist also wants me to be in the sun as naked as possible for 20 minutes everyday and walk for 20 min everyday (can these not be combined? Once this damn port is out I'm gonna be in tanks tops and shorts, isn't that just like a swimsuit...ish?) Castor oil pads, and coffee enemas, air purifier... HEY that's a good idea why didn't the doctor suggest that? I have a BREATHING issue, maybe I should purify the air that I breathe. Why didn't I think of that? Also a water purifier for the whole house so I stay away from chlorine and floride as much as I can. Gosh there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day, no wonder why she said this was going to be my new full time job.
Today I tried the green juice where the morning juice was decent this one is NOT - yuck! I think if I take the cayenne pepper out of the concoction I can get it down. I love pepper, I put tons of it on everything,but drinking it?
I still need to figure out the recipes and what I can eat, I think what I can't eat I've got down... mostly.
Physically? I go up and down the stairs 4 times in the sun and I'm beat. I'm still coughing, not as often but everyday and sometimes uncontrollably so that driving becomes a dangerous endeavor - I don't know when a coughing fit that blinds me (only because my head is moving so much with the cough it's hard to concentrate on vision) is going to occur. And those coughing fits give me headaches, so I hope this organic stuff helps the symptoms.
Thursday night my friend kindly bought me a juicer so that I could begin Friday. And so I did 'ish' I took the morning supplements and drank the glass of water before meditating. Then I begin making the morning juice and to my surprise and relief,the juice was decent! The wall came with the amount of juice. I actually don't eat or drink that much and the recipe makes 2 glasses of juice, I could only get down 1.5 and felt sooooo stuffed! So stuffed that I couldn't do the next step which was making breakfast and the green juice, I wasn't hungry again until 1. So then I had a baked (organic) sweet potato with raw butter(which is really yummy) and steamed broccoli with sea salt (the kind that has specs in it, go figure). The nutritionist by the way is very good, really positive and full of information.
I have been purging EVERYTHING in my house that I use on me - laundry detergent (I need less chemically one), lotion, toothpaste (I now have Mercola's which took me a couple of days to get used to not having a sweet toothpaste, but actually my mouth feels fresher after), produce, seasonings, oils, bath soap, deodorant, storage containers (no more plastic),house cleaners ShWooo! is anyone else tired? I certainly am.
The nutritionist also wants me to be in the sun as naked as possible for 20 minutes everyday and walk for 20 min everyday (can these not be combined? Once this damn port is out I'm gonna be in tanks tops and shorts, isn't that just like a swimsuit...ish?) Castor oil pads, and coffee enemas, air purifier... HEY that's a good idea why didn't the doctor suggest that? I have a BREATHING issue, maybe I should purify the air that I breathe. Why didn't I think of that? Also a water purifier for the whole house so I stay away from chlorine and floride as much as I can. Gosh there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day, no wonder why she said this was going to be my new full time job.
Today I tried the green juice where the morning juice was decent this one is NOT - yuck! I think if I take the cayenne pepper out of the concoction I can get it down. I love pepper, I put tons of it on everything,but drinking it?
I still need to figure out the recipes and what I can eat, I think what I can't eat I've got down... mostly.
Physically? I go up and down the stairs 4 times in the sun and I'm beat. I'm still coughing, not as often but everyday and sometimes uncontrollably so that driving becomes a dangerous endeavor - I don't know when a coughing fit that blinds me (only because my head is moving so much with the cough it's hard to concentrate on vision) is going to occur. And those coughing fits give me headaches, so I hope this organic stuff helps the symptoms.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
p.s.
At the concert one woman tapped me on the back just to say she loved my energy. HA! Yeah I was jumping up and down, dancing,shouting and singing at the U2 concert. YEAH it was some effort but dammit puffler's is not going to make me stop being me. Jumping up and down and cartwheels - oh yeah! :D
Atom impact
Today or last night I went to the U2 concert which was totally awesome. But one thing I got from the concert that I need to remember. I am like an atom
or a second
or a cell
or a thread
or an idea
or a spark
or a fragment
or a thumb
or the number one
None of those things by themselves are needed or make much of an impact on the world. They are a piece without which the impact is lessened. So the little volunteer work I do, or the smile I give, or the positive words I say... they are so small, like a cell needed by a body. It just takes 1.
Don't you just love U2? :D
or a second
or a cell
or a thread
or an idea
or a spark
or a fragment
or a thumb
or the number one
None of those things by themselves are needed or make much of an impact on the world. They are a piece without which the impact is lessened. So the little volunteer work I do, or the smile I give, or the positive words I say... they are so small, like a cell needed by a body. It just takes 1.
Don't you just love U2? :D
Feeling Good
Thursday after dodgeball a guy asked jokingly if I had lung cancer. And I answered "I do actually" expecting the talk, but he and the other guy thought I was joking! I thought was funny, just because I have my hair, it must not be true. :)
So I'm still working on faith. I went to a therapist yesterday just to make sure I stay positive. For 7 days I've felt positive with only 1 hiccup when I was coughing one night and couldn't get to sleep.
I went white water rafting on Sunday - it was the spur of the moment trip I just couldn't get people organized to go and I didn't want to miss out on going as my potentially last summer as Andrea.
I went to a Personal trainer/Nutritionist on Monday and will go again on Thursday, he was So positive. I went so that I could eat better in order to stop the mucus, decrease the cough, and increase the oxygen I'm receiving, but he was like you're not going to die on my watch! Wow, even the doctors aren't that positive.
He had me watch 2 movies Food Matters which was really interesting and 'The Beautiful Truth' which was like an infomercial for the Gerson method. They say that they can cure puffler's and chronic diseases by eating differently. Sweet, I'll try that, cause I sure as hell am not doing chemo again.
I get the port taken out on Tuesday. DID YOU HEAR ME? I GET THE PORT TAKEN OUT ON TUESDAY!!!!!!
WOOO HOOO!
This food thing is going to be challenging so I have to keep in mind that at least it's not chemo,
at least I'm not passing out,
at least I'm not throwing up,
at least I'm not feeling queasy,
at least I'm not weak and knowing you're killing your good cells,
at least I'm not turning different colors,
at least my bones don't hurt,
at least I'm not feeling the emotional agony of being disabled from chemo,
at least I'm not poisoning yourself and torchering yourself to death - the puffler's can do that all by itself it really doesn't need help from me or the doctors.
This morning I meditated on faith, what do I have faith in now just without effort? I have faith that my house will be standing when I return from class.
I have faith that my car will be where I parked it last.
I have faith that I'll wake up tomorrow, that there will BE a tomorrow.
Why are those faiths so easy? Yesterday my sister's car was stolen and a few months ago my neighbor's daughter died in her sleep. So again why are those faiths so easy?
I don't know, but my meditation today taught me that faith is only a now thing. Meaning sometimes I don't have faith because I'm thinking I won't have faith in the future or didn't have it in the past and it trips up what's happening NOW.
Do you know what I'm doing now? Well you won't by the time you read this but right now I'm typing. I haven't had anything to drink or eat so I'm not coughing. I feel no pain. I'm sitting on my bed with my legs crossed and the fan blowing and writing this blog. I feel great. Puffler's doesn't exist right now, because I can't see it or feel it. I can breathe and the sun is shining brightly into my room from my sun room. I feel great.
So I'm still working on faith. I went to a therapist yesterday just to make sure I stay positive. For 7 days I've felt positive with only 1 hiccup when I was coughing one night and couldn't get to sleep.
I went white water rafting on Sunday - it was the spur of the moment trip I just couldn't get people organized to go and I didn't want to miss out on going as my potentially last summer as Andrea.
I went to a Personal trainer/Nutritionist on Monday and will go again on Thursday, he was So positive. I went so that I could eat better in order to stop the mucus, decrease the cough, and increase the oxygen I'm receiving, but he was like you're not going to die on my watch! Wow, even the doctors aren't that positive.
He had me watch 2 movies Food Matters which was really interesting and 'The Beautiful Truth' which was like an infomercial for the Gerson method. They say that they can cure puffler's and chronic diseases by eating differently. Sweet, I'll try that, cause I sure as hell am not doing chemo again.
I get the port taken out on Tuesday. DID YOU HEAR ME? I GET THE PORT TAKEN OUT ON TUESDAY!!!!!!
WOOO HOOO!
This food thing is going to be challenging so I have to keep in mind that at least it's not chemo,
at least I'm not passing out,
at least I'm not throwing up,
at least I'm not feeling queasy,
at least I'm not weak and knowing you're killing your good cells,
at least I'm not turning different colors,
at least my bones don't hurt,
at least I'm not feeling the emotional agony of being disabled from chemo,
at least I'm not poisoning yourself and torchering yourself to death - the puffler's can do that all by itself it really doesn't need help from me or the doctors.
This morning I meditated on faith, what do I have faith in now just without effort? I have faith that my house will be standing when I return from class.
I have faith that my car will be where I parked it last.
I have faith that I'll wake up tomorrow, that there will BE a tomorrow.
Why are those faiths so easy? Yesterday my sister's car was stolen and a few months ago my neighbor's daughter died in her sleep. So again why are those faiths so easy?
I don't know, but my meditation today taught me that faith is only a now thing. Meaning sometimes I don't have faith because I'm thinking I won't have faith in the future or didn't have it in the past and it trips up what's happening NOW.
Do you know what I'm doing now? Well you won't by the time you read this but right now I'm typing. I haven't had anything to drink or eat so I'm not coughing. I feel no pain. I'm sitting on my bed with my legs crossed and the fan blowing and writing this blog. I feel great. Puffler's doesn't exist right now, because I can't see it or feel it. I can breathe and the sun is shining brightly into my room from my sun room. I feel great.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Refusenik
Tonight I watched a horrible movie, the mechanic, with "handsome Rob" but watching it I realized this is the first day i didn't want to have an accident and die.
I called Hopkins and will schedule to get this dang port removed and I feel good about my decision to not do anymore chemo, no radiation either, too many side effects. I read this article in Time magazine and there is a name for people like me "Refusenik". I'm a Refusenik and proud of it, this article said refusal of treatment shortened life spans by only 9 months (granted this is for all cancers, not just pufflers) but still. You read it before and you'll read it again - who takes medicine that makes them feel really bad, only to not be cured? It's almost hilarious really. Anyway I feel great, I mean I'm coughing a lot and I can't breathe that well, but today the heart palpitations lessened and the pain is gone again so either acupuncture or the tumor moved to a better spot. Anyway much better to feel good and coughing, than bad and queasy :)
I'm so excited to get this port out! It itches but it grosses me out to touch it so the only way I scratch it is to turn the shower head on it. I'm still sending love to my lungs and next week I'll see a personal trainer (not for the exercise part but for the eating better part). Oh, I read somewhere that a guy was meditating to send love to every one's puffler's. Now I really like THAT idea, so when I'm sending love to my lungs I'll send love to others' too.
I called Hopkins and will schedule to get this dang port removed and I feel good about my decision to not do anymore chemo, no radiation either, too many side effects. I read this article in Time magazine and there is a name for people like me "Refusenik". I'm a Refusenik and proud of it, this article said refusal of treatment shortened life spans by only 9 months (granted this is for all cancers, not just pufflers) but still. You read it before and you'll read it again - who takes medicine that makes them feel really bad, only to not be cured? It's almost hilarious really. Anyway I feel great, I mean I'm coughing a lot and I can't breathe that well, but today the heart palpitations lessened and the pain is gone again so either acupuncture or the tumor moved to a better spot. Anyway much better to feel good and coughing, than bad and queasy :)
I'm so excited to get this port out! It itches but it grosses me out to touch it so the only way I scratch it is to turn the shower head on it. I'm still sending love to my lungs and next week I'll see a personal trainer (not for the exercise part but for the eating better part). Oh, I read somewhere that a guy was meditating to send love to every one's puffler's. Now I really like THAT idea, so when I'm sending love to my lungs I'll send love to others' too.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Faith and Miracles
Or maybe just faith in miracles
today I gave my lungs love and then looked up miracles of people surviving stage 4. granted those people did a LOT of stuff that I am unwilling to do. I don't want to be sick and miserable for a 50/50 chance.
western medicine - it hurts, you feel sick AND it has only a 50 50 chance of working
eastern medicine - doesn't hurt, you don't feel sick AND it has only a 50 50 chance of working
I know, my friend says there are tons of people in Africa with HIV who have faith in the local doctors instead of Western medicine and suffer until they die. BUT my choices are suffer until a die if I use WESTERN medicine.
So I'm working on faith, faith that loving my lungs will help. Faith that Geshela and Buddha will help, faith that changing my eating habits, acupuncture, yoga and a peaceful mind will help.
faith in miracles - I like that better than hopelessness, I'm gonna try that instead. Maybe I will die... hee hee ok I'm definitely going to die but isn't hope, happiness, love, faith better than despair, loneliness, and anger.
So my first challenge came today when I was walking with my friend - coughing and having a tough time breathing - I had to give love to my lungs and not get angry that while I look like I can run a mile with no problem, currently, I cannot.
When I got back I listened to a lesson just as the background to what I was doing, but still just hearing snippets was enough to make me feel positive.
today I gave my lungs love and then looked up miracles of people surviving stage 4. granted those people did a LOT of stuff that I am unwilling to do. I don't want to be sick and miserable for a 50/50 chance.
western medicine - it hurts, you feel sick AND it has only a 50 50 chance of working
eastern medicine - doesn't hurt, you don't feel sick AND it has only a 50 50 chance of working
I know, my friend says there are tons of people in Africa with HIV who have faith in the local doctors instead of Western medicine and suffer until they die. BUT my choices are suffer until a die if I use WESTERN medicine.
So I'm working on faith, faith that loving my lungs will help. Faith that Geshela and Buddha will help, faith that changing my eating habits, acupuncture, yoga and a peaceful mind will help.
faith in miracles - I like that better than hopelessness, I'm gonna try that instead. Maybe I will die... hee hee ok I'm definitely going to die but isn't hope, happiness, love, faith better than despair, loneliness, and anger.
So my first challenge came today when I was walking with my friend - coughing and having a tough time breathing - I had to give love to my lungs and not get angry that while I look like I can run a mile with no problem, currently, I cannot.
When I got back I listened to a lesson just as the background to what I was doing, but still just hearing snippets was enough to make me feel positive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)