Sunday, August 14, 2011

pain

the night started off well. I went to the farewell party of my dodgeball teammate, Mike. Got to catch up with him he's very tall so he saw the staples from surgery. He's going to Ireland to be a sports medicine doctor. I also caught up with Yang who's gonna invite me to game night soon.

I stayed longer than I thought I would. during the party my hand and arm went numb. I stopped taking the antiseizure med b/c it's so big and i asked for something smaller but didn't get an answer back. i guess i'll ask on monday. i watched DVR but couldn't sleep. I'm sleepy, but I'm in pain. My leg numbness bothers me. I feel unattractive - isn't that funny, I didn't lose my hair but now I have a port scar, a breast with a hard lump the size of a golf ball (making it about 2 sizes bigger than my right), no butt, staples in my head, a permanent shoulder lean that I thought was from the pain but now I think it's just b/c the left side is heavier.... my clothes hurt b/c they touch my breast that's painful (is this what breast cancer feels like, or does puffler's just do it's on unique thing?)

I did another non smoking commercial that I didn't post. I was crying through most of it. will that stop people from smoking?

I'm so sleepy. I'm so tired. my head hurts. My breast hurts. My back hurts. When is this going to end? Can you please tell me how much more I have to endure? I'm so tired. I started reading a book Cindi send planet puffler... one of the writers says 'to say it's a matter of fighting or being positive enough (to be a survivor) makes death the fault of those who died'. That's what I feel, I can't be positive all the time, many of the time, about this so does that mean I'm causing my own death? I WANT my pain to end right now, I don't actually care how, so will it be my fault if I die today? I guess that'll be on others to think about when I die. All I know is that I'm so sleepy. I'm so tired. my head hurts. My breast hurts. My back hurts. Can anyone help make this end?

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