This morning if I stayed in one spot it seemed like the pain wouldn't fully infiltrate. But I had to get up to go to my acupuncture appointment.
My mom was on a mission to cure cancer today and I was on one to cure pain. So I went to acupuncture hoping that he can do his magic again.
It didn't stop immediately but 10 minutes after the needles were in, my chanting (Tayata Om Bekandze Bekandze Maha Bekandze Ranzaya Samugate Soha) had stopped
and I was asleep! NOT the dizzy drugged sleep with slight pain that I have with the oxy but real sleep! Once the needles were out the pain returned so I'm going to see him twice a week and see if that helps. So at least next week Tuesday and Friday I know I'll be REMin' it up!
I called Hopkins, to schedule an appointment to get this B12 shot (I have to get it a week before I can get chemo) but she said she'd call me Monday, don't know if you can do it with radiation. It's hilarious, now that I WANT chemo I can't get it to save my life... Literally! (heh heh Cindi loves that joke)
After that I went home and saw the work that has been done on my place. You know there's something to be said about having something to take your mind off of your pain. I was still in pain and trying to get my back to move into the right position to make it better (which is useless, there IS no right position, but the body tries) but it didn't hurt as much as it does when I have NOTHING else to focus on but it. So while my mantra to end all living beings suffering, while suffering is helping my compassion I need to think of something else to focus my attention on while in pain. That's a work in progress.
It was so nice to be home, I didn't want to leave. Toula (my sister's dog) was so happy to see me. It was nice to walk around and talk to my neighbor and just be doing my own thing in my own space. My dad and I decided to leave after rush hour to go back and we lingered or I lingered because it was so nice to be back home.
So this evening the focus of my attention was my kitchen, my next renovation(a new bathroom) and unfortunately, anger. [Ahh Buddha I'm trying but I'm still a work in progress!] My mother thinks my house is too dusty for me to go back into and decided that I'm not going back yet. She thinks that it is INCREDIBLY stupid to go back and selfish and that I'm not doing enough to cure myself. Am I begging to die?
(OK um yeah sometimes I am dude, YOU trying being in pain all day and night and see if part of you doesn't beg to die) But more importantly... :( y'all know me. I'm like a mule, you cannot just TELL me what I'm going to do or not do! And I felt like I was doing so well this week with compassion and kindness and 1 moment I realize how much more work I need to calm my mind. I guess it's a good lesson.
...Needless to say, I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait to be back in DC, talk to my neighbor (who was right when she said you gotta LIVE like you want otherwise you'll just waste away - she is 85 and has had heart attacks, etc. but still works part time) and hang out with some dodgeball friends!
Oh. speaking of wasting away. Dude I'm weighin' in at 133. I was 135 throughout high school! The perfect me should be 145-165 (yeah that's the range dude, in December I was 175). So I need calories, I'm not supposed to have milk or sugar but Bonnie gave me a scharffenberger chocolate bar that is almost gone and I hope hanging in there and making some FAT, sticky to me bones! I think I'm gonna try to do the cancer yoga class too on sunday... gotta find that flier.... and make some muscle!
I feel much better now, I know I still may die today (just like everyone else) but when I'm in pain I also feel so guilty. I know it's my karma, my past action that caused this, it makes me feel so bad to know that I caused so many people this much pain. Fortnately Vajrasattva is there, I'll be purifying tonight for sure!
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