Collapsed Lung

Thursday night my mom stayed at my place in order to drive me to the thoracentesis at 10am in Hopkins on Friday. I was totally looking forward to getting drained of any liquid because my breathing has gotten so bad.

My mom is so worried -- so every cough, every groan, every itch she jumps to make sure nothing is wrong or that she can't help... I feel so bad for that. Isn't it MY turn, my parents are the ones that are old shouldn't I be taking care of THEM? At the same time it is too much at times I cough a lot, I'm in pain and groan a lot and sometimes it is so much effort to talk, even just to say "I'm OK". Also I don't really like being touched and if my mom had her way I'd be sleeping on her lap or curled up in bed beside her. :D It's sweet, but too much for me.

A little before midnight on Thursday, while trying to go to sleep, I had a coughing fit and my mom rushed to my room

I'm OK
Are you sure?
Yep just coughing
This one sounds harder, you sure you don't want to go to the ER?

The ER, ug,is Always the LAST place I want to go. 5 minutes later however I coughed into a tissue and noticed that the usually clear mucus was now reddish. Dammit!

So my mom drove me to the ER at Washington Hospital Center which is the closest but maybe not the most effecient ER.

When I checked in and told them why I was there "coughing up blood" the ladies at check in kinda freaked, gave me a mask and slid my ID back to me without touching me. Maybe this isn't the job for them?

While waiting I started the Pathway to the Pure Land powa - maybe this is it, I kept thinking.

When I got to my own room and I told the nurse that I had lung cancer she asked if I smoked (I could hear it in her voice, 'ummm dumb ass'), when I said never she was shocked and asked me [like doctors have been, do they know how you got it??] Dude, I'm not the freakin' doctor YOU tell ME! The nurse also had trouble drawing blood - like CRAZY trouble because she had to stick me twice and the 2nd time she kept moving the needle around digging into me! I have good veins so I don't understand the issue but DAMN my arm is still a little sore from that. This is while the student doctor was talking to me saying I looked like I could run a marathon. If only.
Finally she sent someone else in to collect blood and start an IV.

They ran tests on me - X ray, cat scan, took blood and sometime in the middle of our stay (we were there from midnight to 6 am) they gave me dilaudid (hydromorphone)a pain medication via IV that actually got rid of the pain in 2 minutes! my oxygen levels were also low, at 91, so they gave me oxygen. Without the pain and better able to breathe I fell asleep, real sleep for the first time in weeks. My mom said I only slept for 3 hours and not uninterrupted but on our drive to Hopkins that morning I felt refreshed!

When we did get to Hopkins, I gave the pulmonologist the CD of the CAT scan and they tried to find liquid to drain however they could not find anything to drain, apparently I have a lung collapsed. That sounds bad I told the doctor but he says its not as bad as it sounds.
???

He says it looks like puffler's has moved to my trachea (windpipe) so he wants to schedule a bronchoscopy for Monday to remove any blockage and put a stint there so no more tumors grow there and then also see where the blood was coming from. I also speak to a radiologist on Monday to discuss radiating some of my lung (if, from the bronoscopy, they can see something to radiate).

After the NO thoracentesis my mom and I drove to my uncle's to nap and then back to Hopkins to get my first radiation on my left breast. I also asked for a prescription of hydromorphone which last night had me sleeping like a baby, let's hope it does the same thing tonight.


Meanwhile I am hurt up. Going up the stairs is such an effort that I have to make sure I consolidate bathroom and errand trips together. I need to cook snacks for myself because I'm not eating enough but it takes so much energy to do anything and it seems like walking - any movement- brings me to coughing and feels like my lungs won't be able to take enough breathes.

Yesterday I thought 'Gosh, I am just really dying. fast.' I'm OK with dying because Geshe-la says he'll be there - just like during festivals and he says 'If you cannot do it, don't worry. I'll do it for you'. But it hurts to think that my friends and extended family won't know how much they mean to me. I have a will and am leaving stuff for my immediate family but I have nothing to leave for my friends, I feel bad about that. Cindi said she wanted pictures of us, so I can do that. Yunki is getting my carved wooden Buddha picture but how do you tell everyone you love how important they were to you when you were alive?