Uggg so scary. I had nightmares about getting it today so hopefully I can get through it.
My hematocrit level is 26.7 Fran says I need a blood transfusion. I looked it up, I'm anemic (ahhh that's why I've been craving ice lately). With all the greens I've had that's surprising but I'm gonna take an iron pill before I leave for the hospital.
The pain patch is working!! I feel like almost a normal person (except I can't breathe when I walk outside because of the intense humidity.)
Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love
Wish me luck
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
The positive
So on the positive side. I will definitely be able to get the doctor to sign the 6 month thing so I can get money to enjoy my end of life.
I'm going to turn the guest room into a suite with a Japanese ofuro! Yayy! I can't wait to soak in my tub - CLEAN! I'm going to go on vacation to sedona and yellowstone. i want to see an american onsen. I want to see the amazon. i want to go on meditation retreat. i don't know where else yet. I want to make this as much like a queen latifah movie as possible. i want to become an organ donor, how do I change that on my license?
OMG you should see my body, it is FINE. I hate to have to say it myself... well, no I don't but it is 6 pack city and little to no body fat. I guess that's what comes with organics and juicing. Fine, I say. Once the pain goes away then I'm gonna have fun fun fun until i die die die.
I'M gonna do a cartwheel even!
I'm going to turn the guest room into a suite with a Japanese ofuro! Yayy! I can't wait to soak in my tub - CLEAN! I'm going to go on vacation to sedona and yellowstone. i want to see an american onsen. I want to see the amazon. i want to go on meditation retreat. i don't know where else yet. I want to make this as much like a queen latifah movie as possible. i want to become an organ donor, how do I change that on my license?
OMG you should see my body, it is FINE. I hate to have to say it myself... well, no I don't but it is 6 pack city and little to no body fat. I guess that's what comes with organics and juicing. Fine, I say. Once the pain goes away then I'm gonna have fun fun fun until i die die die.
I'M gonna do a cartwheel even!
Waking up
I finally slept last night with no pain.
Only to wake up.
I hate waking up. Why can't I go instantly?? Why can't I go in my sleep? Why do I have to die so horribly? When I'm in pain, which is pretty much every waking moment and many sleepy moments too,I dream of ways I could die instantly
a car jacking
random gang shooting (what? I don't have to be in a gang, innocent people die in that)
a heart attack in my sleep
an aneurysm in my sleep
Instead I'm in pain, I walk up the stairs and its an effort to breathe. I hate this life now. I hate waking up.
I can't understand the point. Why am I being made to suffer? I'm not helping anyone by suffering I'm just making the last of what was a good life, horrible.
In the ER, the doctor said, come to the ER immediately if you can't breathe. I looked at him, I have lung cancer, I can't breathe well now. He's like if you're sitting and can't breathe. ?? Why the hell would I do that - so I can prolong this even MORE. Oh yeah, that's a great suggestion, let me just drown to death SLOWER. Lovely.
I said the mantra today (Happy, Healthy, Enlightened And Love), I don't believe it, but I said it.
You think it will work? It'll take a miracle.
Only to wake up.
I hate waking up. Why can't I go instantly?? Why can't I go in my sleep? Why do I have to die so horribly? When I'm in pain, which is pretty much every waking moment and many sleepy moments too,I dream of ways I could die instantly
a car jacking
random gang shooting (what? I don't have to be in a gang, innocent people die in that)
a heart attack in my sleep
an aneurysm in my sleep
Instead I'm in pain, I walk up the stairs and its an effort to breathe. I hate this life now. I hate waking up.
I can't understand the point. Why am I being made to suffer? I'm not helping anyone by suffering I'm just making the last of what was a good life, horrible.
In the ER, the doctor said, come to the ER immediately if you can't breathe. I looked at him, I have lung cancer, I can't breathe well now. He's like if you're sitting and can't breathe. ?? Why the hell would I do that - so I can prolong this even MORE. Oh yeah, that's a great suggestion, let me just drown to death SLOWER. Lovely.
I said the mantra today (Happy, Healthy, Enlightened And Love), I don't believe it, but I said it.
You think it will work? It'll take a miracle.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Dead End
So the hospital was wrong about the approval, the insurance didn't deny me. I was in pain today though and nothing I take the hydrocodone, the oxycodone, the ibuprofen, nothing stopped the pain. The pain is constant it's not excrutiating but it is constantly there I can't get comfortable... I'm begging to die instantly NOT LIKE THIS but no one is listening to me. I know that I've done something really horrible in this or previous lives. I hope that this torcher will mean that my next life will be better.
The nutritionist says I should speak something positive so my body believes it - did I speak too negative and my body believes that??
I went to the ER today to get an x ray on my spine to figure out the issue with my arm being numb. No tumors there, but puffler's has grown. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm at a dead end!!! What can I do?? Every turn I make in this - I have no mutation, chemo only worked once, no chemo has it growing. What can I do?? I can't even take away the pain of others by becoming a Buddha. I'm useless, I'm frustrated and I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate it. What can I do??
At the ER I thought about the positive things I want. I want to be happy, healthy, in love, and enlightened. Ebony says this is HEAL or HHEAL
Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love
Can I get them in this lifetime? It doesn't even seem like I can get even health now. well wish me luck sleeping
The nutritionist says I should speak something positive so my body believes it - did I speak too negative and my body believes that??
I went to the ER today to get an x ray on my spine to figure out the issue with my arm being numb. No tumors there, but puffler's has grown. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
I'm at a dead end!!! What can I do?? Every turn I make in this - I have no mutation, chemo only worked once, no chemo has it growing. What can I do?? I can't even take away the pain of others by becoming a Buddha. I'm useless, I'm frustrated and I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate it. What can I do??
At the ER I thought about the positive things I want. I want to be happy, healthy, in love, and enlightened. Ebony says this is HEAL or HHEAL
Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love
Can I get them in this lifetime? It doesn't even seem like I can get even health now. well wish me luck sleeping
Insurance Denied
This morning Virginia Hospital Center called to tell me that my insurance denied covering my Cat scan. They denied the PET previously and had approved the CAT but now...
I have new lumps on my breast, I have this weird nerve thing happening with my arm, the pain has returned but I have been working. I have been paying into insurance and working and been a productive member of society. I feel like by denying it they are saying that I'm not - I'm a drag on the system, a dead weight (HA!), I'm the person the people who protest the medical reform are thinking of - let's get rid of those people who keep getting sick.
I kept the appointment. What can I do? I need to know if it's grown, I need to know if I have fluid that can be drained. ... I hope my doctor does sign my life insurance policy saying I have 6 months to live, if my insurance is going to already start denying procedures (even routine ones) I'm going to need the money...hell if they deny procedures I may only HAVE 6 months anyway. This time, if they don't approve it, I'll pay for it myself $5-6K in all. I guess I need to start liquidating assets...
I have new lumps on my breast, I have this weird nerve thing happening with my arm, the pain has returned but I have been working. I have been paying into insurance and working and been a productive member of society. I feel like by denying it they are saying that I'm not - I'm a drag on the system, a dead weight (HA!), I'm the person the people who protest the medical reform are thinking of - let's get rid of those people who keep getting sick.
I kept the appointment. What can I do? I need to know if it's grown, I need to know if I have fluid that can be drained. ... I hope my doctor does sign my life insurance policy saying I have 6 months to live, if my insurance is going to already start denying procedures (even routine ones) I'm going to need the money...hell if they deny procedures I may only HAVE 6 months anyway. This time, if they don't approve it, I'll pay for it myself $5-6K in all. I guess I need to start liquidating assets...
Monday, July 11, 2011
POW
I'm a prisoner of war.
I was caught unexpectedly - at an innocuous enough place but it turned out to be a trap. Now I'm slowly being tortured. All day there is a pin in my back and in my chest underneath my breast - I can't remove it and it aches. At random times it digs deeper, 'how do they do that?'. They make it worse by letting me have "normal" days - I can work, I can play and I forget...then they will press hard on my lungs causing me to cough, lose my breathe, gag. They love working at night, while I try to sleep. No position is too comfortable either the pain will be gone and the coughing and phlegm back or the coughing is gone but the pain is back. I have to make a decision - in which position can I sleep better? The answer is none. They know this. There are no other prisoners in my prison - no sounds of others being put through this same torture. But when I work, in the distance I see others, they are being freed...when will that be me?
This was a bad week. The pain has come back and woke me up Tuesday night, I ended up driving around DC sleepy and in pain. I thought, maybe if my life were threatened I'd want to beat this more and not give in, not beg for this to be over. I spoke to my therapist about it and she said even people who really want to live wouldn't have made as many lifestyle changes as I have in the past 3 weeks so I guess the bad neighborhood idea isn't useful. Bad neighborhoods in DC are hard to find these days anyway.
Ups - This week was mostly downs but ups are
1. Dodgeball, the happy pill. I wish I had more things like this in my life or I could figure out how to harness my concentration in the same way to be able to forget the breathing, forget the pain.
2. I sent out an email for my friends to help and don't feel so in it by myself
3. The nutritionist, who is so positive that I'll get better. Where is she when I'm getting stabbed in the chest at 3 am?
4. I'm still able to do this diet thing, which is pretty impressive for someone who's never changed their diet ever
5. Prayers for World Peace sunday morning - I realize I need to go to more Buddhist events because they make me feel better.
Wednesday morning I went to acupuncture (thank goodness I had the prethought to schedule 2 sessions this week). When the needles are in, all the pain is gone and I can get a real sleep. I wish he could just come to my house right before bed, put the needles in and then take them out the next morning. After seeing him I took the day off and laid in the exact same position as I do when I'm there, hoping to channel that enough so I could go to sleep. It worked pretty well.
The Ulman Fund sponsored or told us about a pre-screening of the movie 50/50 about this young guy (well, about my age) diagnosed with cancer and given a 50 50 chance. It was good, I could relate. The Dali Lama was in town so afterwards Bob helped me try to find Stupa ear rings...after looking in all the booths, they probably just don't make them.
Today I went to the nutritionist who for homework wanted me to think of a mantra... on the other hand my therapist wanted me to think of something positive to come from the coughing and pain - the team tibet (puffler, me and lung) and turning into a Buddha apparently wasn't a good mantra ( it does work OK for when I'm in pain though)
So I'm still working on the mantra, she says it doesn't have to be something I believe right now but something I say until I believe it. This sounds logical to me.
Speaking of logic - doesn't puffler know that if he grows too much he'll kill both of us?He's not a very smart parasite, why can't we work together? Why can't we live together?
The medicine is kicking in now. 'Night
I was caught unexpectedly - at an innocuous enough place but it turned out to be a trap. Now I'm slowly being tortured. All day there is a pin in my back and in my chest underneath my breast - I can't remove it and it aches. At random times it digs deeper, 'how do they do that?'. They make it worse by letting me have "normal" days - I can work, I can play and I forget...then they will press hard on my lungs causing me to cough, lose my breathe, gag. They love working at night, while I try to sleep. No position is too comfortable either the pain will be gone and the coughing and phlegm back or the coughing is gone but the pain is back. I have to make a decision - in which position can I sleep better? The answer is none. They know this. There are no other prisoners in my prison - no sounds of others being put through this same torture. But when I work, in the distance I see others, they are being freed...when will that be me?
This was a bad week. The pain has come back and woke me up Tuesday night, I ended up driving around DC sleepy and in pain. I thought, maybe if my life were threatened I'd want to beat this more and not give in, not beg for this to be over. I spoke to my therapist about it and she said even people who really want to live wouldn't have made as many lifestyle changes as I have in the past 3 weeks so I guess the bad neighborhood idea isn't useful. Bad neighborhoods in DC are hard to find these days anyway.
Ups - This week was mostly downs but ups are
1. Dodgeball, the happy pill. I wish I had more things like this in my life or I could figure out how to harness my concentration in the same way to be able to forget the breathing, forget the pain.
2. I sent out an email for my friends to help and don't feel so in it by myself
3. The nutritionist, who is so positive that I'll get better. Where is she when I'm getting stabbed in the chest at 3 am?
4. I'm still able to do this diet thing, which is pretty impressive for someone who's never changed their diet ever
5. Prayers for World Peace sunday morning - I realize I need to go to more Buddhist events because they make me feel better.
Wednesday morning I went to acupuncture (thank goodness I had the prethought to schedule 2 sessions this week). When the needles are in, all the pain is gone and I can get a real sleep. I wish he could just come to my house right before bed, put the needles in and then take them out the next morning. After seeing him I took the day off and laid in the exact same position as I do when I'm there, hoping to channel that enough so I could go to sleep. It worked pretty well.
The Ulman Fund sponsored or told us about a pre-screening of the movie 50/50 about this young guy (well, about my age) diagnosed with cancer and given a 50 50 chance. It was good, I could relate. The Dali Lama was in town so afterwards Bob helped me try to find Stupa ear rings...after looking in all the booths, they probably just don't make them.
Today I went to the nutritionist who for homework wanted me to think of a mantra... on the other hand my therapist wanted me to think of something positive to come from the coughing and pain - the team tibet (puffler, me and lung) and turning into a Buddha apparently wasn't a good mantra ( it does work OK for when I'm in pain though)
So I'm still working on the mantra, she says it doesn't have to be something I believe right now but something I say until I believe it. This sounds logical to me.
Speaking of logic - doesn't puffler know that if he grows too much he'll kill both of us?He's not a very smart parasite, why can't we work together? Why can't we live together?
The medicine is kicking in now. 'Night
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Help and other stuff
On the 4th weekend my friend came into town and we went to the museums. I was like the old lady with a walker - if I walk VERY slowly up stairs it doesn't take my breathe away as much. What happened to being able to bike and run up and down the stairs 3x before I got out of breathe? What was the point of the chemo if I'm now right back where I started?? Even the pain has come back (granted a skipped a session of acupunture this week) but I'M TIRED.
I went to NC and stayed with Cindi this week and realized I missed the morning juice (it masks the taste of ALL the supplements and makes them easy to get down). Eating organic wasn't so hard in another location so if I had a portable juicer that would be perfect.
It was nice to visit Cindi and it was nice to get help on all the questions I've had. What is the Gerson method? Am I doing it with the stuff the nutritionist just gave me? Will it help puffler's or just other types of cancers? It was nice to have someone else do the researching for those. Having puffler's is like having a job - a REALLY horrible job that makes you miserable but if you quit, you die and not a quick death but a horrible, prolonged fit of coughing and gasping for breathe death. So I have this job I should be researching and buying stuff to improve my health and I'm not doing it well...I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by the thought I have to put into meals, grocery shopping, excercises, bills, claim forms,will, financial stuff and even my house. Gosh if only someone else could call the exterminator, could look for a Green cleaning service, could call the plumber when there is a leak? If someone else could find the claim forms I need to submit. I thought about getting a personal assistant, but what could they do? They can't find the forms to put my IRA in my trust, can they?
Visiting Cindi made me realize I'm not asking any of my friends and family for help.
Except taking me to the doctor but I need a lot more than that. Right now, I'm alone.
And I know why I don't ask -
1.I don't want to burden people, they are busy and this thing could go on for a long time. I could be the burden friend for a long time
2.What can I ask them to do? Can they organize my puffler bills? I need to know if I've paid the deductible this year so I can stop getting bills.
3.I've never had this type of problem. I'm the person who sees the problem, OK let's solve it. Problem - Solution. I've also hated when people overly complain about a problem instead of doing something about it and now that's who I'm becoming but I can't find the solution. At Cindi's there was a bird that kept trying to get in through the glass window, he just couldn't understand why he couldn't just walk from the sill outside to the one inside so he'd fly up and down and up and down confused. That's what I feel like - I'm confused, what do I do in this situation? HOW CAN I BREATHE!!
The nutritionist wanted me to come up with a mantra - I think the best is
Team Tibet - puffler, lung and me - we have to work together. I started seeing a therapist and she wanted me to try to think of something positive when I have the coughing fits or am out of breath from just walking. I don't know yet - those are my lowest of lows. Cindi suggested that my suffering help all living beings...but I'm not a Buddha, will that be true? Can my suffering prevent anyone else's suffering? If that is true, then I need to believe it. If I believe it that would be good to think of.
What kind of Buddhist am I anyway? I keep thinking, I'm not doing enough. I'm just doing my daily meditation ( which I didn't do while at Cindi's but it was just a few days) but still what would Buddha do? He probably would have a calm mind. How do I get that calm mind when I can't breathe? You know the irony is that the basic meditation is a breathing meditation - which is the hardest thing for me now. To concentrate on my breath often starts a coughing fit just through concentrating on it....
I was up early this morning - at 2 because I started coughing and the pain kept me up a little when I wrote this.
This morning I went to Prayers for World Peace and couldn't meditate on the breathe so I pictured myself as Vajrayogini (my image is usually sitting on a hill like one out of the sound of music with birds chirping) Anyway I thought I can't take away other's pain as I am but I CAN as a Buddha and I do have HYT empowerment so that's what I'm going to do. When I start coughing uncontrollably or walking and can't breathe well, or feel the pain in my chest and back I'm going to turn into a Buddha and THEN take away others' pain, and feel the happiness from helping others.
Yesterday, Cindi and I researched the Block Center which Suzanne recommended and that looked promising, I'll call them tomorrow.
I went to NC and stayed with Cindi this week and realized I missed the morning juice (it masks the taste of ALL the supplements and makes them easy to get down). Eating organic wasn't so hard in another location so if I had a portable juicer that would be perfect.
It was nice to visit Cindi and it was nice to get help on all the questions I've had. What is the Gerson method? Am I doing it with the stuff the nutritionist just gave me? Will it help puffler's or just other types of cancers? It was nice to have someone else do the researching for those. Having puffler's is like having a job - a REALLY horrible job that makes you miserable but if you quit, you die and not a quick death but a horrible, prolonged fit of coughing and gasping for breathe death. So I have this job I should be researching and buying stuff to improve my health and I'm not doing it well...I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by the thought I have to put into meals, grocery shopping, excercises, bills, claim forms,will, financial stuff and even my house. Gosh if only someone else could call the exterminator, could look for a Green cleaning service, could call the plumber when there is a leak? If someone else could find the claim forms I need to submit. I thought about getting a personal assistant, but what could they do? They can't find the forms to put my IRA in my trust, can they?
Visiting Cindi made me realize I'm not asking any of my friends and family for help.
Except taking me to the doctor but I need a lot more than that. Right now, I'm alone.
And I know why I don't ask -
1.I don't want to burden people, they are busy and this thing could go on for a long time. I could be the burden friend for a long time
2.What can I ask them to do? Can they organize my puffler bills? I need to know if I've paid the deductible this year so I can stop getting bills.
3.I've never had this type of problem. I'm the person who sees the problem, OK let's solve it. Problem - Solution. I've also hated when people overly complain about a problem instead of doing something about it and now that's who I'm becoming but I can't find the solution. At Cindi's there was a bird that kept trying to get in through the glass window, he just couldn't understand why he couldn't just walk from the sill outside to the one inside so he'd fly up and down and up and down confused. That's what I feel like - I'm confused, what do I do in this situation? HOW CAN I BREATHE!!
The nutritionist wanted me to come up with a mantra - I think the best is
Team Tibet - puffler, lung and me - we have to work together. I started seeing a therapist and she wanted me to try to think of something positive when I have the coughing fits or am out of breath from just walking. I don't know yet - those are my lowest of lows. Cindi suggested that my suffering help all living beings...but I'm not a Buddha, will that be true? Can my suffering prevent anyone else's suffering? If that is true, then I need to believe it. If I believe it that would be good to think of.
What kind of Buddhist am I anyway? I keep thinking, I'm not doing enough. I'm just doing my daily meditation ( which I didn't do while at Cindi's but it was just a few days) but still what would Buddha do? He probably would have a calm mind. How do I get that calm mind when I can't breathe? You know the irony is that the basic meditation is a breathing meditation - which is the hardest thing for me now. To concentrate on my breath often starts a coughing fit just through concentrating on it....
I was up early this morning - at 2 because I started coughing and the pain kept me up a little when I wrote this.
This morning I went to Prayers for World Peace and couldn't meditate on the breathe so I pictured myself as Vajrayogini (my image is usually sitting on a hill like one out of the sound of music with birds chirping) Anyway I thought I can't take away other's pain as I am but I CAN as a Buddha and I do have HYT empowerment so that's what I'm going to do. When I start coughing uncontrollably or walking and can't breathe well, or feel the pain in my chest and back I'm going to turn into a Buddha and THEN take away others' pain, and feel the happiness from helping others.
Yesterday, Cindi and I researched the Block Center which Suzanne recommended and that looked promising, I'll call them tomorrow.
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