Waking up

I finally slept last night with no pain.

Only to wake up.

I hate waking up. Why can't I go instantly?? Why can't I go in my sleep? Why do I have to die so horribly? When I'm in pain, which is pretty much every waking moment and many sleepy moments too,I dream of ways I could die instantly
a car jacking
random gang shooting (what? I don't have to be in a gang, innocent people die in that)
a heart attack in my sleep
an aneurysm in my sleep

Instead I'm in pain, I walk up the stairs and its an effort to breathe. I hate this life now. I hate waking up.

I can't understand the point. Why am I being made to suffer? I'm not helping anyone by suffering I'm just making the last of what was a good life, horrible.

In the ER, the doctor said, come to the ER immediately if you can't breathe. I looked at him, I have lung cancer, I can't breathe well now. He's like if you're sitting and can't breathe. ?? Why the hell would I do that - so I can prolong this even MORE. Oh yeah, that's a great suggestion, let me just drown to death SLOWER. Lovely.

I said the mantra today (Happy, Healthy, Enlightened And Love), I don't believe it, but I said it.

You think it will work? It'll take a miracle.