Dead End

So the hospital was wrong about the approval, the insurance didn't deny me. I was in pain today though and nothing I take the hydrocodone, the oxycodone, the ibuprofen, nothing stopped the pain. The pain is constant it's not excrutiating but it is constantly there I can't get comfortable... I'm begging to die instantly NOT LIKE THIS but no one is listening to me. I know that I've done something really horrible in this or previous lives. I hope that this torcher will mean that my next life will be better.

The nutritionist says I should speak something positive so my body believes it - did I speak too negative and my body believes that??

I went to the ER today to get an x ray on my spine to figure out the issue with my arm being numb. No tumors there, but puffler's has grown. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm at a dead end!!! What can I do?? Every turn I make in this - I have no mutation, chemo only worked once, no chemo has it growing. What can I do?? I can't even take away the pain of others by becoming a Buddha. I'm useless, I'm frustrated and I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate it. What can I do??

At the ER I thought about the positive things I want. I want to be happy, healthy, in love, and enlightened. Ebony says this is HEAL or HHEAL

Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love

Can I get them in this lifetime? It doesn't even seem like I can get even health now. well wish me luck sleeping