Help and other stuff

On the 4th weekend my friend came into town and we went to the museums. I was like the old lady with a walker - if I walk VERY slowly up stairs it doesn't take my breathe away as much. What happened to being able to bike and run up and down the stairs 3x before I got out of breathe? What was the point of the chemo if I'm now right back where I started?? Even the pain has come back (granted a skipped a session of acupunture this week) but I'M TIRED.

I went to NC and stayed with Cindi this week and realized I missed the morning juice (it masks the taste of ALL the supplements and makes them easy to get down). Eating organic wasn't so hard in another location so if I had a portable juicer that would be perfect.

It was nice to visit Cindi and it was nice to get help on all the questions I've had. What is the Gerson method? Am I doing it with the stuff the nutritionist just gave me? Will it help puffler's or just other types of cancers? It was nice to have someone else do the researching for those. Having puffler's is like having a job - a REALLY horrible job that makes you miserable but if you quit, you die and not a quick death but a horrible, prolonged fit of coughing and gasping for breathe death. So I have this job I should be researching and buying stuff to improve my health and I'm not doing it well...I'm overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by the thought I have to put into meals, grocery shopping, excercises, bills, claim forms,will, financial stuff and even my house. Gosh if only someone else could call the exterminator, could look for a Green cleaning service, could call the plumber when there is a leak? If someone else could find the claim forms I need to submit. I thought about getting a personal assistant, but what could they do? They can't find the forms to put my IRA in my trust, can they?

Visiting Cindi made me realize I'm not asking any of my friends and family for help.
Except taking me to the doctor but I need a lot more than that. Right now, I'm alone.
And I know why I don't ask -
1.I don't want to burden people, they are busy and this thing could go on for a long time. I could be the burden friend for a long time
2.What can I ask them to do? Can they organize my puffler bills? I need to know if I've paid the deductible this year so I can stop getting bills.
3.I've never had this type of problem. I'm the person who sees the problem, OK let's solve it. Problem - Solution. I've also hated when people overly complain about a problem instead of doing something about it and now that's who I'm becoming but I can't find the solution. At Cindi's there was a bird that kept trying to get in through the glass window, he just couldn't understand why he couldn't just walk from the sill outside to the one inside so he'd fly up and down and up and down confused. That's what I feel like - I'm confused, what do I do in this situation? HOW CAN I BREATHE!!

The nutritionist wanted me to come up with a mantra - I think the best is
Team Tibet - puffler, lung and me - we have to work together. I started seeing a therapist and she wanted me to try to think of something positive when I have the coughing fits or am out of breath from just walking. I don't know yet - those are my lowest of lows. Cindi suggested that my suffering help all living beings...but I'm not a Buddha, will that be true? Can my suffering prevent anyone else's suffering? If that is true, then I need to believe it. If I believe it that would be good to think of.

What kind of Buddhist am I anyway? I keep thinking, I'm not doing enough. I'm just doing my daily meditation ( which I didn't do while at Cindi's but it was just a few days) but still what would Buddha do? He probably would have a calm mind. How do I get that calm mind when I can't breathe? You know the irony is that the basic meditation is a breathing meditation - which is the hardest thing for me now. To concentrate on my breath often starts a coughing fit just through concentrating on it....
I was up early this morning - at 2 because I started coughing and the pain kept me up a little when I wrote this.

This morning I went to Prayers for World Peace and couldn't meditate on the breathe so I pictured myself as Vajrayogini (my image is usually sitting on a hill like one out of the sound of music with birds chirping) Anyway I thought I can't take away other's pain as I am but I CAN as a Buddha and I do have HYT empowerment so that's what I'm going to do. When I start coughing uncontrollably or walking and can't breathe well, or feel the pain in my chest and back I'm going to turn into a Buddha and THEN take away others' pain, and feel the happiness from helping others.

Yesterday, Cindi and I researched the Block Center which Suzanne recommended and that looked promising, I'll call them tomorrow.