ER

Yesterday I woke up feeling fine. I had two bowls of soup so I could get some liquid and then went to watch my sister play soccer.

All was fine until I started feeling dizzy and tried to walk it off. The next thing I remember my check bone is hurt and I remember hearing a loud sound on the bleechers and my sister asking me if I fell. I remember saying I think so and then I wake up again lying down with strangers around me asking me questions and part of the morning's soup in front of me. After all the questions I just got really really tired

I could hear my sister in the background, sounding scared. Is this my life? This is my life now and I hate it. The EMT suggested we go to the hospital but someone on Jennifer's team suggested that we call the on-call oncologist and ask her. When we got home I did that and that doctor said to go to the ER.

7 hours later I was back home - the doctor said my potassium was low and gave it to me intravenously which may or may not have caused me to really throw up, but definitely caused me to want to go home. So I did after getting a potassium prescription.

How can I make this life better? Right now all I really want is for some freak accident (hey kinda like getting puffler's) to occur and kill me instantly. I would consider selling everything and traveling until I die, except that I get so much joy out of thinking about how my family will spend their money.

At the ER there was a woman who looked about 80 something but turned out to be my mom's age, who had had stab wounds, puffler's in the lung(and still smoked), weed, and HIV and now couldn't eat and drink. Maybe those things happened gradually, because I kept thinking, while listening to the laundry list of ailments every time a new doctor entered, how do you LIVE like that?? Maybe because my fear is pain/suffering and not death, I never really Will understand it. Maybe