This time around I've been extremely tired, I sleep soundly at night and can still sleep soundly almost all day. It's an effort just to carry a glass. The injection started to make my bones hurt Friday, so now I have the added misery of aches and pains in the small of my back and especially when I walk or sit up. I haven't eaten much and haven't felt nasausea this time but now I'll just randomly throw up. I feel so alone, but I don't want people to come over to help because then I'll have to go down the stairs to open the door and then go back up them - it's too much effort.
I get a pet scan tomorrow. I don't care what it says, no more chemo for me... it's one thing to do this with an end in sight - like oh you'll do this and you'll go into remission or you'll get your life back but that's not the case here.
Last year I went to meditation retreat because I wanted to strengthen my mind, because I thought that there is the power to heal yourself and so much more in your mind. Now I don't know if I believe that, how can I, if I did I'd be on that path instead of this one, right? The truth is, I don't WANT to die, I just want this to end, and it seems the only way that this suffering can end is if I die. I can't think of an alternative... I rarely where my seat belt anymore - I've been in SO many car accidents in my life, SO many
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