sadness

Today I went back to work half day and then went to Hopkins for blood work. I felt queasy on and off all day until I finally threw up in the evening, about around the same time I did the last time after chemo.

The coughing is coming back so maybe this means its no longer decreasing. I can't seem to get happy this time around. To be honest I don't know what I'm doing this for, what's 1 more year, 1 more day... and I keep crying, maybe it's because it's chemo week and I feel sick and not myself. I once thought it would be cool to know when you're going to die, well if you had 6 months or a year because then you do all you wanted to do in that 6 months, like in that Queen Latifah movie. Having more than that makes it difficult to live... how can you plan a future when you know Exactly when you're going to go? Maybe if everyone knew it would be easier. Maybe if I were a parent it wouldn't be difficult, I'd want to see my kids get as old as possible or make it to graduation, etc. but I'm not and I'm wondering why I'm holding on to a life that's so obviously over.

I don't think I'm going to do the maintenance chemo, I think I'm going to take some vacations and volunteer as much as possible and go on a meditation retreat for my 6 months. I try to think of something I could do to make a difference, be an advocate for puffler's but you know what? In the end the selfishness of myself and everyone else is the reason I am dying from this disease. Everyone should have full body cat scans every 3-5 years, it should be part of your physical - why don't we do that? Because of money? When I die money won't matter to me. Shouldn't we already have a cure for puffler's or some form of early detection? In the end its the collective selfishness that stifles the cure.

There something to be said about hope and not knowing the future, right now it seems like mine is set... what horrible horrible actions I must have done in this or a previous lives to deserve this. Every TV show, every person I see,I'm jealous of their health. And so many people are wasting their lives, and I was like that just wasting my life being mad at stupid shit, being insecure, being afraid, being sad at stupid shit, now I really have something to be sad about and I look back and think you fool.