Winter

So I went to see the doctor today and the puffler's has decreased and she wants to do only 2 more treatments! I was so excited until I asked then what. Then we'll take another scan and see how it looks then, if it goes down again there will be 2 more treatments and then we'll go to maintenance chemo of just Altima which isn't as harsh as cistoplatin.
Until when?
Until forever. For the rest of your life. There is only a 10% chance that you'll go into remission and not need any treatment for any period of time. She said one of her patients who had a totally different disease went into remission. She only sees patients with puffler's in the lungs but his type was so different that she thinks of it as a different disease.

So those people that you see on TV that are "survivors" that's not the option she's giving me, that's not what I have, there are no Walks for what I have, there are very few survivors for what I have. There are people who have died from it or people who have it - no in betweens. I just thought that by chronic it meant that I'd go into remission and have to get scanned every month and that it may come back; but in actuality I have a 10% chance of having remission and those people you see on TV with breast cancer, those aren't me. I wish for breast cancer, can you imagine, if only I had that I could at least have better odds.

I'm 36 years old, and until forever is a really long time you know? It's not the same to get it when you're 50 or 60 I'm looking at ALWAYS having to go to the doctor for so many more years. It's never going to end, I've been putting things on hold like renovations on the house and getting a dog. I was looking forward to getting the port out once treatments end but I'm always going to have treatments. And what am I going to do about work and PTO, I'm always going to have to take at least 1 day off every 3 weeks to go to the doctor. When can I take an actual vacation? What about insurance? Disability? I'm always going be a burden to my friends and family and I know they won't say it like that but I'll be like that friend who you get frustrated with because they are always talking about their bad relationship but I can't stop it! They are always going to be concerned about me in this way who wants to do that? Who wants to be sad or stressed out for their friend or family all the time? And then dating - it seems selfish to seriously date someone and make them deal with this. I didn't have my period this month so she also said I'm temporarily menopausal not that I wanted kids, but I always kept the option of having kids open if the guy I loved wanted them - now that is off the table. It's like I had this life with all these options and now the noose is closing on them and limiting them and I can't control it and I can't stop it.

It's good news, right, at least it decreased - she said usually it does not decrease it usually just plateaus so I'm above average. But I just hoped to get my normal life back for a period of time. So many people that you hear about - it ends, treatments end, it's very hard to hear that mine won't.

Needless to say, this was not a happy day, I couldn't muster it - I was forced to look at the future today and it looks like a cold dark winter day.