Better

Today I felt better - still a little off kilter in the morning but by the evening I started to even out.

My face is changing color. Around my eyes it has stayed the same but everywhere else my skin has gotten slightly darker. Only I can tell at this point...mhhh, I don't want to do this anymore. Even though it hasn't been that bad, part of me doesn't want do it. Last night I started thinking 'hey maybe this is working.' but that led to 'oh no, how much longer do i have to do this for. i don't want to do it'. I started freakin' out thinking about it and trying to think of something else instead.

I don't chant the Medicine Buddha mantra often, I guess I just want this to mean something you know, so taking and giving is what I do the most. I just want any suffering I have to be at least taking away someone else's - I mean maybe that's happening anyway, not everyone can possibly be suffering at the same time - maybe when we suffer we are already taking away someone else's suffering. Kinda like you lose the race and feel sad but that means someone else is happy. That's a nice thought isn't it? Maybe the world balances itself so all the good fortune I had previously, someone else was really suffering for and now they are in bliss. If that's the case, I betcha they really appreciate it now for having gone through all that suffering. I can certainly see how I could appreciate so much more now.