Sunday.
I woke up happy it's beautiful out and I stayed up late last night researching support groups, what I have, what I need to do. I learned that I do have it better than some - the fact that my fatigue is not as bad as others (I can get out of bed, I don't feel bad and tired, just tired); and my pain is gone is already a plus. So now I'll look for some alternative treatments and also some adventures.
I have never really been afraid of much as far as experiences go, but now, what have I got to lose?! Not a damn thing so watch out because this ride is about to get faster! AND did I tell you I got my period today - menopause my ass HA! You know what? No one knows much about puffler's - no one knows how I got mine, and no one knows how it'll go - people can tell me what they think will work for me, but I've gotta decide what I'm going to do and what I'm not because that is what life's about.
So today I won my battle with my mind. YES! Today I am happy, so stuff it mind! Today when I meditated I imagined Avalokiteshvara smiling at me saying "Yes, you beat it!" because that's what this is, this is NOT. NOT a fight with puffler's, I am not fighting with puffler's. I am fighting with my mind.
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Monday
I learned some really important things from my 5 days of wallow wallow, sadness, woe is me, anger anger, mad as hell, wallow wallow.
1. Sadness, anger, depression and worry feel worse than in December and January when I was in the most pain, tired and coughing all the time. So my mind controls everything
2. Desire. Have you noticed that when you are sad for longer than a day, you have extended it on purpose? Tuesday was a shock and I was sad. Friday at the party I was shocked and mad but all those times in between? I felt like I COULD control it but my desire was to wallow wallow, sadness, woe is me, anger anger, mad as hell, wallow wallow. I could have tried smiling like I did in traffic, but I didn't. I could have listened to my parents positive words of encouragement, but I didn't. Why?
I don't know, why would I want to be sad? What if I had died with an angry mind and was reincarnated as a serial killer...who smokes (hee hee hee, I had to add that :D), that's not the next life I want. But I did it anyway. I need to have another sign on my wall to remind me, the next time. I don't know what it should say yet but I need something that will pull me out of that desire.
3. Number 3 is very important. The future does not exist. Let me repeat that. The future does not exist. It is a fantasy as much as dragons, magic and witches. If the future was my finish line, I'd never make it there, it will move away from me all the time. Maybe that's the sign I should post. I'm all worried about something that does not exist. Now I do have puffler's, but I'm not in pain, I can breathe, I can bike, and I can play 2 HOURS of dodgeball without coughing (coughing is my sign - the sign that my lungs are trying to get more air).
Today I went to the acupuncturist and RAN UP THE 2 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS!! AND without coughing! woo hoo!
Today I picked up the CD with my petscans before and after chemo. The 2nd report isn't as detailed as the first so they don't say the approx. size, etc. BUT looking at the pictures side by side it looks like it's done by 25%! You can call that 'the Andrea 25'. Oh and that's my favorite number too. So anyway yahhh for decrease. After these rounds of chemo I will probably get another opinion about surgery. So if anyone knows a surgeon in the area, let me know.
Oh the Title of this one is a quote from a puffler support group's response to someone else.
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