Druggie

Today was better, I didn't sleep all day and decided to just pop Hydrocodone like they are candy. So I ended up taking 3 and being pain free - yep, I'm a druggie, who knew?

But b/c of it I got to spend quality time with the family instead of being in a painful stupor so it worked. Tomorrow off to Chicago to see my cousins and go to the Block Center, apparently the founder, Dr. Bloch, had stage 4 lung cancer and using this integrative approach survived 26 years and died of heart failure (e.g. old age). I'm cool with that!

more of the same

So the pain patch isnt working that well anymore. Turns out I'm also not supposed to put heat on it, people have ODed. ODing, not a bad way to go but I decided tonight to take off the patch (its time to change it anyway) in order to wear the heating pad.

Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love

I hurt today. Slept most of the day. I don't believe HHEAL, but I've said it. I feel surgery looming. Brain surgery. This is my last Friday night with this brain, yep I guess the countdown has begun.

Wisconsin - day with the fam

I didn't get any sleep last night (and we woke at 4:30 am to catch the morning flight). I was able to fly without issue but now I'm SO tired but I've got to hang with my nephew and nieces and see my brother's new business, Ladybug, which is really cool. (pics to come)

I didn't have pain until 8:30 pm pretty sweet and the tightness is gone again. Shwoo. My brain surgery is scheduled for Friday 8/5.

Dying to Christmas

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning not feeling like I'd make it another week. The tightness in my side makes me panicky which I can't do because panicking means breathing harder - not something I have the capacity to do on my left.

Despite this, I listened to Vajrapani sadhana and juiced and spoke to Alice about long term disability which is starting for me today. Isn't THAT crazy? I'm LTD? It feels like a unreal part of society a part I never saw myself in. What does that MEAN? I asked Alice I still want my job, I mean if I make it through this I don't want to lose my job you know? She was like yeah for sure, but I don't think I relayed all that I was thinking. Seriously, I like my job, I like my company, what about my stock... if I die soon, I want to die an employee of sfdc not a long term disabled person. I talked to my cousin how has been on LTD and she calmed some of my concerns. And then I was concerned about when I would get my next pay check, how does this all work? Gosh so much to think about.

2 hours later my boss emails me telling me that my company has given me a bonus and time off to allay my concerns. Can you believe that?? I work for the best company in the entire world!

And then at the end of the day one of my colleagues sent me an email telling me how much I helped his customer which is nice to know that I'm still doing my job well. I'm still a working member. I don't know there's a lot to be said for just feeling normal.

I also went to Spa World today which was awesome and now my body is not so tight on the left side and I feel better.

Well tomorrow I get up bright and early to see my brother who says that my niece is as excited as Christmas that we are coming tomorrow. Christmas! I hope we can live up to that!! :D

Refusenik no more?

Maybe the only option I have for my lungs is chemo and just the maintenance chemo which she says will have less side affects - little fatigue, no nausea, no hair loss. I want to try this nutrition thing and I AM, but puffler's is growing FAST, super FAST. There are spots on my liver, its in my left breast, my brain. I can FEEL it in my side - I barely have the capacity to breathe there's no space left its just pufflers! It moves around and today it's like I'm wearing a shirt that's too tight on my left side and I can't take it off. I want to make a cut on my side and give my lungs space. They need ROOM!
So nutrition may work but I'm in a serious Race, nutrition seems like a marathoner but puffler's is a sprinter!
Tomorrow my mom is going to do a prayer vigil over me, hoping for a miracle. Why can't a miracle happen? I rack my brain, how HOW could I have PUFFLER'S?? Breast cancer,ovarian, some rare cancer but PUFFLER'S? If you smoke, please please stop. Please don't increase the risk that this could happen to you. I tried to do a non smoking commercial but I can't even show you how AWFUL it is, how much pain I'm in, how I can FEEL so strange, how scary and bewildering it is to have this and no options.

The H in HHEAL

It's amazing that I feel happy. I feel at peace. I feel hopeful. Will that all change when I speak with the surgeon and radiologist tomorrow? Who knows, I'm going to revel in what I do know and today was a good peaceful day. I woke up juiced my veggies, had my supplements, did the enema, read my book and then went to pick up Jennifer for her first Spa World experience! We had a good relaxing time, Spa World is soo nice, we were there for 5 hours. Even had a Korean massage (apparently Jennifer's was more authentic than mine hee hee).

Oh I also made a no - smoking commercial, I'm going to post it on youtube. Hopefully it'll reach at least one smoker and he'll stop because he doesn't want to be in pain and not able to breathe. Well g'night!

HHEAL

Yesterday I woke up happy. What a difference a pain makes eh?

I gotta make sure I'm able to "breathe easy" and my ribs and back are "comfortable". (Cindi insists that I voice this positives in the positive. Yes "Momma Cindi") Anyway breathing easy and being comfortable are a key to my happy and manageable mind.

I woke up a little panicked just now. I just want to make sure I see my brother and his family, I want to go on vacation, I want to have good sex and I want to go on a meditation retreat. Isn't that silly. I feel more live LIVING more than I do DYING even though I've got worse news but I want to do it all. And good sex, is that not crazy or what? But I do, I want to see my family, go on vacation, sex and meditation. Those things don't go hand and hand at all! LOL

The only thing I feel I have let to do is leave something to my friends nen notame ne? I have this will that leaves things to my family so that they know but do my friends know how much I love them? I have Really great friends. People should be jealous of me just because of the friends I have. I've never been in love before (and even though for the first time in months I'm actually dreaming about MY future[the mind man, give it bad news and sometimes it'll surprise you]) if I were not to fall in love then having them in my life is a very close 2nd.

See Florie and Cindi above, don't they LOOK loveable (hee hee hee) and SILLY! LOL, bet they didn't expect me to post THESE on my blog. hahaha :D

I'm bringing my camera every where now, get ready loved ones we WILL be taking pictures! I don't care if you look busted that day!! :D


Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love

maybe next time I'll post of picture of my proposed wedding dress and engagement ring LOL!!

Oh. and I'm also giving love to my lungs. my brain. my left boob. my body. my mind.

And I gotta believe, that my suffering is benefiting others in some way. Some how, some where, some way the discomfort I have is taking the pain away from someone else. IT IS, I can't live thinking that it is not SO I'm going to have faith that someone, somewhere, somehow is not in pain but would have been, not uncomfortable but could have been, happy and might not have been. I believe that, it hurts too much to not believe it,so it is true for me. It's the truth to me.