YACS...

Yesterday and today I felt queasy all day and last night I threw up - it was worse than a chemo week because I had actually eaten. Nasty so today I didn't eat much.

This morning during meditation I realized I need to get ready for my next life, and the life after that. I need to purify my negative karma so that my next life can be better than this one. I was so proud of myself yesterday because a customer I spoke with was so irate and condescending because the previous representative was incapable of solving his issue. The old me would have sounded polite but inside would have been boiling over, but yesterday I was like 'This man is being mean to me and what difference does it make when I'm dead I won't even care, so why care now?' I was so calm, so not frustrated, it felt really good.

I'm still coughing, that started up after the last round of chemo, and now when I breathe deeply I feel some mild pain. The doctor said last week when I thought that I could breathe easier after this round, that the tumor could have moved to expose a valve that had previously been blocked, so since today would have been maintenance chemo, I doubt that it's growing back already, it's more likely that the tumor moved to a place that causes pain when I breathe deeply. Today, the 29th and the 20th would have been my maintenance chemo days - the therapist asked if I was comfortable with my decision and that is still a resounding YES. Part of me feels weak and cowardly, I'm just not strong enough to go through the pain, I don't want to live as much as some others and I'm sorry for that... I'm sorry for my family and friends that I'm not stronger and braver. There can be positives for them... one of the ladies at YACS said that when her friend got pregnant she thought she might die and be her baby which is exactly what I've been thinking about my friend who's going through a unsuccessful reproductive period, maybe her body is waiting to reincarnate me! :D That would be a positive. Maybe one of my friends will be an inspirational speaker, maybe my friends will volunteer even more or found an organization that helps ANYONE in remembrence of me (but don't name it after me, that's silly, no one needs to remember me THAT much, though I'll be dead and won't care anyway so do what you will)


Today I went to a 20 min session with a therapist to see if we're a good fit. I think she is so I'll email her to schedule a real session next week. With her I want to work on being positive while I'm still living. Yesterday I felt so much despair, I still awake hoping that I die instantly now, so it would be nice to not think that everyday especially when physically I feel like myself, pretty much.

Today I went to my first YACS DC (Young adults with cancer) meeting at Tryst, it was nice. One of the women said I can't control any of it so I'm not going to worry about it, I'm less stressed than I was before when I used to work 70 hours a week. That relaxed me, I can't control it so don't worry. She also said 'you know I'm fortunate, I've gotten to live to be 25 some people don't make it that far, some kids or babies die and I've made it to adulthood.'

I'm fortunate too - I achieved most of my dreams by the time I was 25, these last 11 years have just been extra, just icing... let's see

I learned Japanese and held some deep conversations with people in Japanese
I've met Wonderful random people abroad -
the security guard at the museum in Pueblo Mexico, the shaman in the little town outside of Mexico city,
the Greek man in the Phillipines who told wonderful stories of the healer he had traveled to see work miracles;
the British man who lived in Hong Kong and took Sabita and I to a club/bar where we danced on the tables;
Vanessa, the beautiful little girl in Brazil who was so excited that our skin was "same same";
the 2 year old boy in Brazil who laughed and laughed, rolling on the ground every time we spoke English;
my favorite Japanese student - singing her song in English and watching while the other students were in awe of her pronunciation;
the HIV positive women in Tanzania, so strong and positive despite the circumstances of their lives;
my home stay parents who were just like a family to me who I love even though I haven't spoken to them in years;
the random Japanese business man who led me to the Opera house in Osaka when I was completely lost;
the young insomniac in Mexico who thought I had weed and kept me talking late into the night, and left a rose on my bed when I woke up since he couldn't sleep;
the villagers in Kon Tum who's children followed me around laughing, since they had never seen a person with such brown skin.

I'm so fortunate to have had those experiences and to have met those random people.