Ramblings of shocked woman

when i was a kid or a teen, i don't actually remember when i came to this belief,i got it in my head that i was going to die young. it's not something that depressed me as i went on enjoying life but it's something that i believed like others believe they'll have kids, and i didn't think there was anything odd about that. i believed it so deeply that after i turned 25 i thought, huh this is strange, I haven't been hit by a car yet. And by 27 I was depressed - i just hadn't planned a life that would make it to that age. i was without direction, purpose, goals. hadn't i done all that i had set out to do? - i traveled to China, I LIVED in Japan, I spoke Japanese and I've helped people - through volunteering and teaching..part of me was knocking on the "ceiling" saying OK, I'm ready what's taking you so long?

I eventually got so depressed i had thoughts of suicide, until one day my friend called, just by chance, after I'd hit an especially low point. when she called, unlike other times, i couldn't keep the pain from my voice and she came over. she saved my life. after that i got counseling and then i found the religion that was meant for me. The one that makes it impossible for me to seek to end my life because it gave me the highest goal I could possibly dream of - end all the suffering of all living beings by becoming an enlightened being, a Buddha. The more time I have in this human life, the closer I get to achieving that goal so I can't end it prematurely.

Now it's 2/10/11, 7 years after that and I have been diagnosed with lung cancer. I am 35 years old - I don't smoke, I've never done drugs, I drink rarely, I exercise regularly, and my only regular indulgence is chocolate.

Buddha says the time of death is unexpected - children die before their parents, and healthy people die before sick people, it can happen at any time, so you should be prepared. I know that's true but my meditations on death have been weak at best to this point. I've only known older people to die and no one close to me has been deathly ill, the only reality I could bring to the meditation was the 10 car accidents I've been in. Struggling I imagined myself in the hospital after a car accident and the pain and then the darkness and then leaving those I love behind... but I could never feel the emotion of it.

So far, I'm not dying, well not anymore or less than anyone else,in fact right now - today- is no different from 12/13/10 the first day I went to the doctor about chest pains. So in some ways the cancer does not exist.

The doctor's say it looks like I've had cancer for a while. Buddha says nothing exists independently (not even nothing). Basically this cancer only exists DEPENDENT on me knowing it exists - weird huh? So last year at this time, when I was at the meditation retreat, I could have had cancer, but I didn't act like a person, of feel like a person, or sound like a person who had cancer, therefore I didn't.

Isn't that something?

You know what is the most difficult thing right now? Adjusting and having others adjust their definition of me... I know I exist dependent on perceptions and parts.

My perception has been that of an extremely healthy person; and while I'm glad, I'm so glad that I have so many wonderful friends and family who love me, and care about me and pray for me... I don't want that perception to change.

I'm Andrea the adventurer, "a.walker not a runner", the jumper,the athlete
I'm Andrea the fit, the strong, the tough
I'm Andrea the happy, the smiling, the laughing
I'm Andrea the INVINCIBLE!!!!!
Don't forget about me, I'm still here, don't treat me like it's not true
because I exist dependent on perceptions and parts.

Please remind me, because I'm beginning to change my perception too.