Karma, Acupuncture, focus... and anger

This morning if I stayed in one spot it seemed like the pain wouldn't fully infiltrate. But I had to get up to go to my acupuncture appointment.

My mom was on a mission to cure cancer today and I was on one to cure pain. So I went to acupuncture hoping that he can do his magic again.


It didn't stop immediately but 10 minutes after the needles were in, my chanting (Tayata Om Bekandze Bekandze Maha Bekandze Ranzaya Samugate Soha) had stopped
and I was asleep! NOT the dizzy drugged sleep with slight pain that I have with the oxy but real sleep! Once the needles were out the pain returned so I'm going to see him twice a week and see if that helps. So at least next week Tuesday and Friday I know I'll be REMin' it up!

I called Hopkins, to schedule an appointment to get this B12 shot (I have to get it a week before I can get chemo) but she said she'd call me Monday, don't know if you can do it with radiation. It's hilarious, now that I WANT chemo I can't get it to save my life... Literally! (heh heh Cindi loves that joke)


After that I went home and saw the work that has been done on my place. You know there's something to be said about having something to take your mind off of your pain. I was still in pain and trying to get my back to move into the right position to make it better (which is useless, there IS no right position, but the body tries) but it didn't hurt as much as it does when I have NOTHING else to focus on but it. So while my mantra to end all living beings suffering, while suffering is helping my compassion I need to think of something else to focus my attention on while in pain. That's a work in progress.


It was so nice to be home, I didn't want to leave. Toula (my sister's dog) was so happy to see me. It was nice to walk around and talk to my neighbor and just be doing my own thing in my own space. My dad and I decided to leave after rush hour to go back and we lingered or I lingered because it was so nice to be back home.


So this evening the focus of my attention was my kitchen, my next renovation(a new bathroom) and unfortunately, anger. [Ahh Buddha I'm trying but I'm still a work in progress!] My mother thinks my house is too dusty for me to go back into and decided that I'm not going back yet. She thinks that it is INCREDIBLY stupid to go back and selfish and that I'm not doing enough to cure myself. Am I begging to die?
(OK um yeah sometimes I am dude, YOU trying being in pain all day and night and see if part of you doesn't beg to die) But more importantly... :( y'all know me. I'm like a mule, you cannot just TELL me what I'm going to do or not do! And I felt like I was doing so well this week with compassion and kindness and 1 moment I realize how much more work I need to calm my mind. I guess it's a good lesson.

...Needless to say, I'm going home tomorrow and I can't wait to be back in DC, talk to my neighbor (who was right when she said you gotta LIVE like you want otherwise you'll just waste away - she is 85 and has had heart attacks, etc. but still works part time) and hang out with some dodgeball friends!


Oh. speaking of wasting away. Dude I'm weighin' in at 133. I was 135 throughout high school! The perfect me should be 145-165 (yeah that's the range dude, in December I was 175). So I need calories, I'm not supposed to have milk or sugar but Bonnie gave me a scharffenberger chocolate bar that is almost gone and I hope hanging in there and making some FAT, sticky to me bones! I think I'm gonna try to do the cancer yoga class too on sunday... gotta find that flier.... and make some muscle!

I feel much better now, I know I still may die today (just like everyone else) but when I'm in pain I also feel so guilty. I know it's my karma, my past action that caused this, it makes me feel so bad to know that I caused so many people this much pain. Fortnately Vajrasattva is there, I'll be purifying tonight for sure!

Is it me?

I dont' know. i think i was asleep and then i moved my head a certain way - it hurt and then my hand went numb and then i panicked. i'm taking anti- seisure drugs starting today and the side effect is you panic and want to commit suicide and dizzy. i'm scared. should i take the other anti-seisure pill? i was supposed to take 2 today. am i panicked for real or it is the drug. i don't feel like i want to commit suicide. what's going on

ok called cindi i'm not having a seizure and i'm gonna ask the doctor if i can have non seisure medicine that doesn't have a 'panic, suicide' side effect... and smaller

I'm alive and I can move

so the surgery was a success.

with the pain medication my head doesn't hurt at all, but my lungs do. Oh puffler's, you're like a racist man, you can't seem to learn to live in communion with others and it will be the death of you.

Random memories from surgery -

my mother relaxing before my surgery (thought that would never happen)
my anesthesiologist singing "Hey hey we're the monkeys" as he wheeled me into surgery, I joined in of course.
despite my big gorgeous veins, someone missed and pumped me with stuff outside of my vein OUCH... I didn't get angry. weird.

Kate my ICU nurse who was really nice... though she woke me up every hour to do tests.
Melissa my 2ND nurse who thinks I have a positive attitude about the whole thing even though its so unfair (what makes her think I'm so positive I'm still wondering about... maybe b/c I wasn't mean?)

Things i don't remember but family does
to the surgeon "did you remember to take pictures?"... he did not

My sister says "Holla back" and I say "woo woo" in response when we say goodbye... apparently I respond when heavily sedated and slightly unconscious too



Things I love
my family and friends of course
but especially Buddha, sometimes I get mad at Buddha, that since I chose this faith, I can't end my own suffering... it's more suffering than I ever thought I could bear with my low threshold for pain...but one day, some day because of this experience I will truly love ALL living beings unconditionally. I'll truly understand emptiness. I will have wisdom and be enlightened and finally be able to help living beings truly.

I don't see how this will get me there to be honest, I see I have a lot more work to do and if I survive this for any long amount of time (like a year) I hope I don't lose the patience and caring that I've gained - by suffering.

that's all

Ok one last thing

I love you all my friends and family

Remember cartwheels and jumping up and down!!
Dodgeball Champion!!

Happy
Healthy
Enlightened
And
Love

Oh, and if you couldn't tell by this blog, whether I know you or not, don't hurt yourselves. Stop smoking.

The Last Supper

Today we woke up at the crack of dawn 4:15 to get to the hospital by 5:30 for a 6:15 am appointment like the woman emailed me. We arrived at 6 only to realize that the appointment was for 8.

We could got good sleep!


Anyway I took the MRI which are getting scarier and scarier the more I take - this time my mom came in to touch my feet so that it would't seem like I was trapped in the machine AND the technician changed the head gear to a bigger one that didn't touch my chin (which let me just tell you freaks me out to NO end!). It was good, the lack of sleep the night before had me sleeping in the machine part of the time, I still chanted Liberation Prayer, I still repeated that Geshe La was with me and now my mom. It was good too she was there because sometimes it felt like she was pulling my feet and moving my head (which was all in my head) but because of that I was focused on her and not being trapped in the machine. Much better.


After the MRI we went on to see the surgeon who showed us the MRI of the tumor which has grown from about 2.2 cm (7/20) to 2.5 cm today so he says its good I'm having surgery tomorrow. He is not going to film it, but I asked if he could take before and after pictures. It's really close to the surface of my head which is positive he's hoping it will be easy to get out but won't know fully until he opens me up. Then he'll decide to do radiation, take out some and do radiation, or take out all.

he said I'll be paralyzed on my right side for 48 hours just because of the anesthetian alone. That part freaked me out. Paralyzed. And it could be up to a week. I could be in a wheel chair for a week. That is scary. The next project on my house starts tomorrow (I gotta do these things to have something to live for/ look forward to, ya know?). This time it's getting a kitchen bar and arches in dining and living room. I'll stay with my uncle while its being done probably and I'm looking forward to some GOOD cooking from my aunt while there. YUMM!

I'm packing up now and taking a LOT of CDs and putting things on my MP3 player since I'm not going to be able to use my right hand, dharma will have to be listened to and sung instead of read. I'm bringing CDs of my favorite Buddhist pujas and lessons. That should be good. Also I have found 2 of the 3 books on CD Cindi sent... if only I could find the other :D It's still me!

I decided to break the diet today I mean this could be it, ya know!? I know no one wants to hear that but I feel glad that I'm at peace with at least 2 of the 3 outcomes.

I also spoke with the radiologist who says that it is possible to radiate my left breast to get rid of the new tumors there so that's good I'll meet with her on Wednesday.

Well I'm tired now - dharma in hand I should be good to go. Also I'm back in the 40s again weighing in at 141.5 woo hoo. 5 more pounds to go. today I had the last supper with my friends totally off diet (tuxedo cheesecake and all!), good italian food, i started to have a drink but remembered opps oxycodone! For lunch I had crab cakes and potatoes oh yeah pure decadence!

cooking class

Today we went back to the Block Center for their free cooking class for nutritional cancer fighting meals. we had black bean dip and wrap (the dip was SO good) and quinoa salad and even sorbet (which was really easy to make!). It was very healthy and good. So I lost 5 pounds I'm at 141 which for normal people my height is good but it isn't for me. I'm too thin, my underwear doesn't fit properly for the first time in life! So as well as my other missions (like beatin' this thing) I'm on a mission to gain weight. So beans, avocados and nuts here I come!

After cooking class we drove to Milwaukee (where we flew into)and walked around the lake which was very pretty. I was doing good with the pain, I'd taken 2.5 hydrocodones and it wasn't all gone but bearably there. Then right before we got on the plane I had an arm spasm and had to take Dex (steroids), good thing the surgery is soon. On the plane the pain came back and I took an Oxy but it didn't help, then it became worse and I was in the air crying in pain worrying about ODing on oxy - when did I take that stuff again? I finally waited what I thought was an hour and took another which took some of it away at first and is gone now. I pray to the Buddhas so much PLEASE let the pain I receive be preventing someone else's pain. I thought about it and even my enemies' pain. I actually don't have enemies, yes people are annoying - I've had colleagues who toot their own horn often, or bosses who have stressed out about the smallest thing stressing me out, or drivers who drive too slow and customers who are condescending but do I wish them THIS PAIN?
I do not and if I can prevent by begging and pleading and wishing that my pain prevents theirs then I gladly do it. PLEASE Buddhas, please listen to me. Please take away the pain of all living beings with my pain, please take away their bad karma so that they don't suffer like I'm suffering. Please let my pain have a purpose a meaning a goal, please, please Buddhas, please listen to me.

My sister picked us up from our much delayed flight, you know I think she is too dependent on me being the landlord. She says she wants to stay in this house when I pass away but I don't really think she will. I think she'll sell it and move to an apartment where there is a landlord who can take care of the problems. I have no problems with that, when I'm dead I could care less but it will be interesting to see. ... for someone else to see.

I want to renovate my kitchen, just knock down the wall and make it a bar but I want it to start Thursday so I can be out of the house for 3 days while it's done. William can start Monday which changes things so I may start when I go on vacation. ...or maybe not at all. I haven't wanted to buy anything or plan much after Friday. On amazon I have some books on hold until after the surgery. There are clothes that I saw, maybe after the surgery. Will I say the same thing for chemo? I called Dr. Brahmer about starting the Alimta back up and I have to take B12 shot and then wait a week. Meanwhile puffler's is screaming for more room in my body, and I have none to spare.

I also spoke to a Dr. Judy that my cousin Vanessa told me about she is in Fort Lauterdale and is supposed to be able to get rid of the pain in 3 days! Her website is http://www.cancerdetoxsecrets.com/ so I'll see about going to her and also getting sacral cranial therapy after the surgery but nothing is set in stone. I'm not gonna do Gershon therapy just yet I'm going to change my diet further (which in many ways is easier than my nutritionist's diet) and see... well this oxycodone is hitting me pretty hard gotta sleep.

The Block Center

Was good yesterday, there is a lot to read and I'll be changing my diet a little to incorporate and take out some of the things the nutritionist recommended since their nutrition is based on specifically my situation. For example I can't have milk because it has casein in it and few eggs but I CAN have soy, since puffler's isn't hormone based. Also not Everything has to be organic, they have a list of items which are greatly affected by pesticides and ones that are not - greens are, mushrooms not as much. And I CAN have caffeine (or chocolate rather), just not the milk or sugar in it and not too much, but at least I can have some!

They also took 14 vials of blood to test for all sorts of deficiencies so that they can hone the plan even further. The doctor there recently met my doctor, Dr. Brahmer, and said she is so focused that her advice sounds sound. I will just take in addition supplements and get the Alimta in the mornings (supposed to be better on your body then). My mom felt very comfortable with them, I think more comfortable than she feels with my current doctor. Granted I am still comfortable with my current doctor I just wish she were closer.

There was also a mind body expert who talked to me about how I was handling the pain mentally and also gave me some more exercises to help with stress (one of which I tried last night but it wasn't the right one for the situation).

I couldn't sleep. I'm not angry, or in pain (well not unbearably so), or sad... I just couldn't stop thinking of the worse case surgery scenario which is that I end up paralyzed and my family is doing everything they can to keep me alive. Clearly I need to talk to them about that because if I'm paralyzed everything ceases - I won't get chemo, I won't take supplements, the eating plan is over. I want to eat chocolate tuxedo cheesecake, hot chocolate, mac and cheese and take pain meds and run, not walk into my next life.

So every time I closed my eyes I saw being paralyzed, I finally gave up trying and read a fantasy book instead. Good thing I got a nap in yesterday.

Today we'll probably go back to the Center for a cooking class and then just hang out until our late night flight.